Eros and agape...

Trusting yourself is not something I had really considered until the other day, when someone mentioned that they had finally started to trust themselves. I found this a novel statement, as what is there not to trust when it comes to making your own decisions; the answer on reflection is PLENTY!

A decision to do something is normally driven by an agenda; often selfish, usually from trouser level down and rarely selfless. I have always questioned why I want to do something and can normally reason with myself; work through the pros, the con's and gather enough feedback from the various voices in my head and anyone else around me that will listen, to justify my decision.

Now, whilst I know I am thinking things through in depth and working through the various options and outcomes, my decision is still heavily influenced by what I think is good for me, based on where I am at with myself; not good if you have a tendency to follow certain patterns of negative or self-destructive behaviour. OK, this is getting heavy and I am starting to wonder where I myself am going with this one, but bear with me...

So, in terms of trusting myself, I thought that was an easy question to answer, but it seems not. Given a track record of serial monogamy of sorts; the chasing and conquering of all that is emotionally unavailable (oddly comforting), I am now finally getting perspective and understanding my motives before taking action.

It is interesting when you start wondering about the day to day 'what ifs?'....what if the unattainable was suddenly available, what if the 'chased' turned round and starting running towards you (eek!), what if one day you woke up and decided to step out of the controlled 'what if' scenario and actually chose a path that was out of control but wholly available...mmmmm...

I am sure there will be more to report on this ground breaking discovery, but for now, far from competent in my new 'mind buggy' (the 'L' plates are still firmly on) I am putting in the miles and training hard for the theory test, so will be free for a road trip fairly soon!

'The thrill and excitement that comes not from arousing and being aroused, but from knowing and being known is all too rare.' - Robin Norwood