Mind games...

Had loads to talk about all week, but been too busy to download from my brain!

Anyway, first proper tennis match of the season today, away against Townsend. They were a decent team, with three solid pairs. A couple of our key players were missing, so I played down with a second team player as third pair. We lost all three, but the other two pairs did enough to secure the win, so all good.

Losing all three matches was quite annoying and I am beginning to feel that I am losing my touch. Normally, I could have carried us through, but today my partner, a second team player did really well and played amazingly well. I however, was pretty average....very average in fact...'the older I get, the better I was' springs to mind!

Whilst everything else in my life seems to be under control and going well, I still have this battle with tennis. I just can't get past the expectation, the feeling of failure I associate with not succeeding as a player; not that I ever wanted to be a player, but still I failed. I know that people like me for me the person, not me the tennis player, but I automatically associate tennis with my own self-esteem.

I really tried to relax and enjoy it today, but the relaxed attitude made it almost impossible for me to compete, as naturally I need to be intense and fired up...but, if I am intense and fired up I don't necessarily enjoy it! Nightmare! Why, at the ripe old age of 31 am I unable to rationalise tennis and just accept that no one expects miracles, no one expects me to hit amazing shots, beat people easily...the only person who does is me!

I picked the team today as captain; I picked well as the team won the match. The funny thing is, when picking the pairings, the usual format is to put experience with youth, but I had picked sane with insane! Unfortunately, me and my partner were in the insane category - but she had a great day as I offered counselling and encouragement throughout! I however went through mental meltdown, analysing everything from my serving technique through to my reason for existing!

Perhaps I just need to accept that people like, want and love me for me, not my ability to hit a great forehand or beat everyone easily....or perhaps I need to accept that I am just a 'washed up jock' who just doesn't have it anymore?!?