A moment of truth...

Champions de la monde! Well, champions of Letchworth actually, but champions none the less - yes the mixed doubles title has been regained by the dynamic, Batman and Robin esq, Shea/Lench duo!

It was a relatively easy match to win, but the major difference from my point of view was my attitude towards the whole occaision. This is the third year I have played in this event and reached the final, but it is the first one that I have not been nervous or worried about what people thought. Previously, I have been nervous, anxious, concerned that club members were expecting me to be outstanding, perform, play incredible shots and generally live up to a reputation that preceeded me as an 'ex player' - not necessarily one that was true but certainly one I had made up in my head.

But this time, I didn't care and it felt great. Why should I be any of the above, why can't I just play and enjoy playing for what it was and is; a fun club mixed doubles final? I did today, I made a conscious decision to just play and not care about the outcome, the score, what people thought...and it felt good, empowering almost.

I have this 'play to win' attitude about everything else in life; work, relationships, friendships etc, heart and soul goes into everything and regardless of the results I learn something, usually something that will help me do things better next time. So, it baffles me that I do not adopt the same principles for the game of tennis?

I thought about it a lot and now realise that everytime I play tennis, I revert back to being a 15 year old; the insecure, self-conscious, petrified of failing 15 year old that I used to be. I guess once you spend so much time acting and reacting in a certain way in a certain situation, it becomes a habit and makes up your way of handling situations. Repeatedly going through the same emotions, anxieties and stress levels on the tennis court regardless of how I have grown and developed as an adult - crazy!

'Do as you have always done and get what you have always gotten' - seeing tennis as a direct reflection of my self-esteem and self-worth has lead to an anxious, nervous, stressful game of tennis everytime.

But, not anymore...tennis is now a game, a fun sport that I happen to be rather good at - how I play does not make me a better colleague, friend or partner and a big fat finger to anyone who tells me otherwise! :>)