La Merde Machine...

It seems that the lesson never ends and the learning never stops; life has the ability to throw up a new problem to solve just when you think you have learnt enough. You get to the stage where you have dealt with everything, or at least started to accept the things you cannot deal with or change, and then, as if by magic, the universe presents an even greater challenge. I almost feel as though I get more sh** as a result of dealing with my existing sh** - a bit like school, when you finished your work before everyone else, the teacher would give you more!

As an efficient sh** dealer, I am doomed to receive more sh** in the post as it were; on processing this next batch, I will be enclosing a letter to the provider of all things that are sh** asking them to remove me from their mailing list, as well as unsubscribe me from the e-sh**news! But in all honestly, how do you continue to motivate yourself, when you know that the moment you become aware of being in a good place again, it is almost guaranteed to be followed by some sort of trauma.

I can see why people shut down emotionally; sometimes it is too damn painful and once bitten, twice shy certainly rings true. The problem I have, which is probably a gene inherited from my parents, as no member of my family has ever been divorced, is that I believe in the whole commitment thing and all that comes with it. It has taken me 32 years to finally admit that, but what the hell...better late than never or is it never late is better?!

So, with this belief firmly built into the genes, the chances of shutting down the very organ that fields all decisions is not an option. Wall building is not really an option either, as I am more about knocking them down than building them up - with permission of course!

So...acceptance is the word that I am struggling with right now; I may be a little spoilt, I may be used to getting what I want, I may be on the receiving end of what I normally inflict. Does accepting mean giving up or is it the word you use to cope and move forwards. I understand the theory, but petrified of the practice, as a severed tie cannot be mended...or can it?

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. - Rumi