This is a tough one. We all seem to be growing at different times and at different rates and in different directions, so how is it possible to maintain the dynamic of a relationship with anyone; friend or lover?
I think it is tough to comprehend ongoing change when you are a logical thinker. You work out what you like in someone when you look for a possible other half, then once you find it, you feel that you have solved that problem. Surely the next stage is to plan the way forwards, future developments, commitment, progress? Apparently not. There is no planning involved, no formula to follow, it is becoming more and more apparent that there are no guarantees, no happy ending as you are both always changing.
This totally goes against my philosophy in life; there is a 'one' out there for all of us. I think you are incredibly lucky if you ever get to meet that one, never mind hold onto them. Do you then settle for something less than 'epic love'? Who knows... I don't think I am alone in my romantic quest, I just think others seem happy to settle for something close to the mark knowing the chances of completeness are slim.
No doubt I will carry on regardless, as life does carry on regardless of what happens - people come in and out of our lives, people are born, people die, people fall in love and out of love, doesn't matter nothing stops, everything carries on around us.
It makes me realise just how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things, which then makes me think, why do I bother worrying about all this stuff anyway...then I think life is too short, so go for it, then I think well, on reflection life isn't that short, so bide your time and don't settle and by the time I have done all that thinking, I hear of something truly awful; a stabbing, another bombing and then I feel selfish for even worrying about such petty matters. I have my health, a great family and amazing friends...so stop worrying, thinking, moaning, contemplating!
Monday, 27 July 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Change is a funny thing. We are expected to build relationships for life despite the fact that most people would accept that we are constantly changing.
ReplyDeleteOne argument would perhaps be that we all stay fundamentally the same in some way. For example, if a person is lazy they will always fundamentally be lazy. I just cannot agree with this because I think personally I always strive for self-improvement and (hopefully) have kicked some bad habits. If we cannot change then what is the point of making the effort!
Certainly I think something about me is always the same.....although I can't put my finger on it perhaps it is what people call the soul....but I think of it as clay. Its always the same clay but it can be moulded.
Perhaps thats the thing with relationships. We have our 'clay' in one shape and we find someone with clay that matches ours. Now if we change, that clay might no longer fit.
Sadly, I think this is what happens all too often with relationships. It doesn't matter how much you love someone, if u are in love with the person they used to be you are doomed.
However I hope that we can change with our partners - finding someone who is moving in the same direction and moulding our clay as one rather than two. Certain things however, are always going to be clay-breakers. If for example, my partner were to decide that they wanted kids right now, or never wanted kids, I would be unable to mold myself to fit with that....it would be like fitting a square into a round.
Perhaps my view is skewed however, by the fact that I don't believe in 'the one'. To me the concept is fundamentally broken. ONE person for everyone?? What happens if they are killed, or live in Africa and you don't have a passport. No, I believe there are lots of people for each of us, all moulded to fit our own piece of clay in some way. One person might have a flat edge that fits and another might have a curved edge that fits another part of the clay. I don't think this means that you can't have just one person for life, in fact that is something I hope to achieve. However I think it means that if two people change and are no longer happy it is sensible to move on and allow each other to grow before the bitterness at being restrained kicks in.
And yes, stop worring, thinking, moaning and contemplating, unless you are like me and are at work with nothing better to do!!!
Interesting feedback anonymous...thank you. 'Clay' certainly is another way of looking at it! I agree about the 'soul' element, as regardless of how much you learn and grow, there is something within that never changes, something that you would never compromise or adapt to suit another; principles, values and all the tiny little idiosyncrises that make you who you are I guess.
ReplyDeleteYou say you do not believe in the 'one', but would like to be with one person long term - so is this settling/compromising? What qualities do you place on your priority list in terms of making sure the one you end up with keeps you interested; after all they are not your everything so what will make them 'enough'?
I would never say that being with just one person is settling/compromising. In fact think of all the things you miss out on - sharing memories, places, children, marriage, growing old with each other.
ReplyDeleteI think we are taught that life must be varied to be worthwhile. We now grow up thinking that we have not lived if we haven't slept at least a double digit number of people - but maybe we miss the point.
All these experiences in life that we are taught we should have really mean nothing without someone to share them with. The most beautiful waterfall or desert is lost in your memory if you have no one to remember it with you.
I really could not say what qualities I place on my priority list because to be honest I really don't know. I guess the big one is that I have to love who I end up with, and at the end of the day love isn't rational - it doesnt seem to scrutinise qualities and decide whether it is appropriate to fall in love - it merely see something in another person and falls.
Personally I think that describing someone as your everything is dangerous. Hundred, thousands even, of people have husbands, wives, children, who they lose in tragic circumstances, either because they die, or leave. These people have very little choice but to go on because the truth is that most people do survive it and when they have to. No one is your everything because you carry on breathing and living even without them there - however much you dont' want to.
For someone to be enough I think is just for you to love them and them to love you back. You rely on this to get you through, and if ever that fails and you find you dont love them perhaps you have to ask yourself why, try to get back to the place where you once did, and if you can't you have to make a choice....