Tricky business...

Life is a tricky business, so many emotions and so many thoughts and aspirations about what life should be about, makes you wonder how people ever decide something and stick to it. The future is a scary subject, with so many variables and uncertainties...do we just roll along and wait for it to unravel before us or do we make a plan and strive to achieve it?

I wonder if we are born programmed to do one or the other, or do people influence our decisions to go one way or another...or are there more than two options or do we flit between the two throughout life?? See...lots to consider - either way it means that nothing is for certain and nothing lasts forever, which makes me sad.

Life is about growing for me, learning each day, tough times making you stronger and good times giving you confidence and strength to keep pushing the boundaries - ideals you share, but sometimes things just don't work out that way. I understand that and respect that, but it is not easy when you have to walk away from something that you have invested your energy and emotion into, especially when so much good remains.

Do you settle for 90% of everything or keep going until you find everything? I guess this is what we are going to find out, perhaps the hard way, as there is no easy way to go when you crave different things. However, regardless of the hard times to come, the good stuff remains, always and can never be undone or forgotten as it fundamentally makes us who we are... we must be brave and stay true to ourselves.

"One ceases to recognize the significance of mountain peaks if they are not viewed occasionally from the deepest valleys."

What's on your mind?

Alas, I have succumbed to facebook...I have reinstated my account and already I am feeling drawn to the damn social networking sight! I am on a one week trial, due to peer pressure from a certain buddy, but if it starts doing my head in after one week then I am quitting again!

This time round I have been more selective with my 'friends'; last time it was a competition to see how many friends you could notch up - on reflection, I only spoke or wanted to speak with a handful of these people, so there has been a culling, quite a severe one!! So, if you are reading this via the gift of facebook, think yourself lucky that you survived the masacre!

Whilst the 'what's on your mind?' and constant drivel does drive me nuts, there is something quite nice about being readily in contact with the people you like to call friends and seeing the odd funny comment/photo puts a smile on my face. Damn, sounding like I am enjoying being back on the matrix....we will see!

The one downside is now that I have decided to let the blog loose, I shall have to be super careful when vetting the content to ensure it does not include any dodgy comments about past, present and potential future company...not that I am one for that sort of thing anyway...well, the odd funny line but nothing horrible...hey ho, it is all good fun and meant with the utmost sincerity, so no harm done...yet

My thought for the day is...'some of us are Roman and some of us are Greek' - which one are you?

Hobbies and passions...

What makes us tick? What makes me tick? I am not entirely sure to be honest, I kind of have an idea, but nothing concrete. It has to be work, work where I feel I am making a difference or discovering something new, again based on making a difference - anything else feels a waste and becomes repetitive and boring.

I am envious of people who have a passion outside of work; people who work to live. I don't think that I live to work, but I do get so much out of doing a good job and learning, that without 'work' I struggle to be motivated and enthused. Currently, work is quiet, I am on top of my role and having success, but I feel desperately bored and have pangs of guilt that I am not doing enough.

I need life to be full, busy busy busy, meetings, social events, sport, holidays...I need the day to be filled with activities, people and variation. Working from home is killing me, nothing to get up for, drinking copious amounts of tea and 'loose women' droning on the TV in the background - I can't handle it. At the same time, I can't do anything other than work from home, as the guilt involved with doing something not associated with work when I should be working makes for a not particularly enjoyable, guilt ridden day!

I seem to be in the minority with this feeling, as most colleagues and friends think it would be great to have no work to do - I just don't get it! Don't get me wrong, I like down time and chilling out, but only when I feel like I have done enough work to deserve it!

I know I am doing well and it is only a matter of time before I progress further, regardless of company or role, but back to my point of 'waiting', it is so frustrating not having control of the pace that you wish to progress at, seriously!

At school and at college, you are encouraged to work hard and you can take on work above and beyond the norm, as it all about learning and growing. You would think the working world would offer the same kind of ethos, but in reality, it seems that people do not want to encourage growth - is this because it is unusual for people to make this demand or is it more about keeping the workforce doing and not thinking?!?!

Always bet on black...

Well, so much for a quiet weekend, which was the plan on Friday afternoon after a particularly busy week. Friday night was going to be a quiet drink and a chat with some friends, but ended up as a wine fuelled 'singstar' marathon until 2.30am!

I love that game and now realise that I missed my vocation in life - although I think I sound better through my ears than I do everyone elses. That aside I just couldn't get enough of it, ABBA, Queen, Scissor Sisters...I even knocked out a bit of Dizzee Rascal, Dance Wiv Me - classic!

So, after a heavy one, Saturday was sure to be a quiet affair, lay in, lazy day etc...ended up down the pub watching the footy followed by a trip to the casino! It was so much fun and I even won some money - not as I expected it to be, but I would definately go again.

It was a lot plusher than I had expected, as in previous weeks I had turned down an invitation to the casino thinking it would be full of seedy, dodgy old characters. To my surprise the venue was lovely, the toilets immaculate, the bar service swift and the cliental normal, well relatively! Although, there were a few disturbing sights; Asian men spending a lot of money on what seemed like a whim and a few desperate men spending more time at the cashpoint than at the table!

I stood back for the first half an hour and watched - looking for tricks or clues, patterns and tactics - there were none, just people thinking they had it sorted. Of course, there are no tactics with gambling as it is completely luck based, however, there did seem to be a need to have some sort of 'plan'. I went in with £20 and knew that was it - a few pounds to have some fun and once it had gone it had gone - no cash point visits for me!

So, roulette first - lots of fun and so random. The guy explained the rules and the odds and gave us each a little card with all the information on. I attempted to follow the trajectory of the ball as it spun, just like Derran Brown, but had no luck with this, as my James Bond skills are obviously not as honed as I thought!

£10 down, £10 left...onto Blackjack - well, this was a different story, as you could try and use a bit of common sense with the numbers in this game. This worked well for me and after twenty or thrity goes, I ended up with £30 - nice! It was then I decided to stop, as the urges from the little devil on my shoulder were starting to bother me...literally, after every bet I won, the little voice would say 'look how easy it was to win, do it again, you will win again, it is easy money, easy'. For a few brief moments I wanted to go along with it and could start to see why gambling is such a dangerous habit!

Everyone had fun and 2 of us left winners, 2 broke even and 2 lost - the odds speak for themselves really - gambling is a mugs game, but the odd visit to the casino with one £20 note for a few hours of fun is a good crack! Finally, just before we left, it was decided that the group would stump up £10 each and we would place a large bet on BLACK at the roulette wheel...as I won, I was 'lucky' apparently, so I had to place the bet!

Quids in, doubled our money and left with a large smile knowing dinner was paid for as to was the whole day given I went home with more money that I left home with that day...so, 'always bet on black' is a tactic I plan to follow next time round, not that I plan to make a habit of it!

The female of the species...

I have been observing behaviour again...it is becoming more and more apparent that female of the species is deadlier than the male!

On the tennis court, in social situations, as friends...woman are soft on the outside, but far pricklier deep down and seriously competitive and do all they can to exterminate the competition. This weekend, we played a match against two younger girls - they were sickly sweet, very hospitable but underneath the surface you could see the dark side! They wanted to kick our butt, hit balls through us, rip us apart, but would never actually say that...odd I think?

If you feel that way great, as what is wrong with a bit of competitive grrrrr!? Instead, they feel all of this, but cover it up with pretty tennis outfits, fake smiles and Swiss finishing school precision - women are nuts! At least I don't try and hide the fact I want to kick people on the tennis court; I don't smile and engage in surface chat when changing ends, I get annoyed, I get aggressive but then I am like that off the court! But girly girls...they are dangerous, as once you peel back the matching outfit, a monster lies within!

I have always been a little intimidated by girly girls for a number of reasons; I cannot relate to how they are, how they dress, their obsession with image etc and to be honest they are a complete mystery. Now that is not to say that all feminine girls are 'girly' girls, as they are not - girly girls are a breed of their own; girly on the inside, outside and their sole purpose in life is to be the top of the tree in girly girl land - a place I have chosen to avoid when holidaying!

This is what I have noticed and by doing so I sound like a man; honest to the point of hurting peoples feelings, oblivious to how women work and always getting it wrong as far as women are concerned - but obviously I am not a man, but I think I now get how men feel about women...confused?

The again, as a woman I guess I behave like this myself but no one ever points that out, well I don't think they do...but I suppose even if they did, I would ignore them as I am a woman and therefore always right! :>)

Car boot sale experience...

My god...I have never felt so out of place in my life, almost as though I had landed on another planet with people who spoke another language and had a different dress code; wearing clean clothes and having clean hair was clearly a criminal offence!

Yes, the car boot sale experience, the first and last one of those thank you very much! I did get rid of all my old stuff and made a few dollars, so well worth it from that point of view, but a totally awful experience none the less.

I have never seen so many crazy people in one field, seriously, even at Creamfields the majority seemed more with it! Several had a suitcase in tow - which either housed their belongings, a dead body or it was just a bag to carry home all of the s*** they had just bought from me!! The latter I hoped, but on reflection it was probably a combination of the three.

As soon as we arrived, they were on us, rummaging through my boxes, asking questions, prodding stuff to see if it broke, it was carnage! People are so rude, correction, boot fair people are extremely rude - I mean they practically want you to offer them money to take your items away! My three boxes went within the first half an hour, some tat went quicker than the quality stuff, quite surprising - although not many of the buyers seemed to have a penchant for classic model cars!

One of the only items that survived the car boot sale was my beloved Krups coffee bean grinder - this little number has been with me for 11 years and the only reason I decided to sell it is that I now buy ground coffee. However, now that the little bugger survived the nuclear blast aka 'Stevenage car boot sale', he gets to move to the new house and take pride of place in the kitchen cupboard and maybe, just maybe I will start buying coffee beans again!

Waiting...

Not been here for a little while, as been pondering my reasons for writing the blog in the first place. I am still not sure, but feel like I shouldn't leave it too long as otherwise I will forget how to write down my thoughts - doesn't that sound familiar!

And so, I have missed writing down stuff, but now a few more of my friends have access to my 'thoughts' then I think I have put myself under pressure to write something funny or remotely interesting and not repeat anything I have said before!

A few things have happened this week, but then nothing significant enough to blog about - quite a boring week in the grand scheme of things actually, feel like I am waiting at the moment; waiting on the house move, waiting on possible promotion or at least more work and waiting on something else, but can't quite put my finger on it...

Sometimes things are just not enough, although sometimes I wish they were, just for the sake of not feeling like I am 'waiting'. I hate waiting for anything, people, trains, email responses - such a waste of time! Why can't things, people, computers, everything work at the same speed as the person interacting with them - now that would be great for people who don't like waiting!

So, there we go...a boring post, but some days are boring I guess and that is what I need to start accepting or at least getting used to...some days are quieter or less fruitful than others, which is ok I guess, as long as I don't have too many of those days in a row!

Strictly...

Strictly speaking, I am not really a classic dancer, however the sultry beats of the salsa music aroused some sort of rhthym within my tracksuit bottoms and next thing you know I was Cuban turning with the best of them!

The worst of them actually as it was a beginner class; the basic steps, the basic turns, the basic people. It was kind of like an aerobics class where you do little sections and then put them all together at the end, only with funky latin beats rather than disco trance!

I really enjoyed myself and so did my buddy, although she needed a bacardi to settle her nerves on arrival. She was already drinking wine when I picked her up, which I could have done with as I was there in my sweat pants and trainers thinking I was going for a work out and there was her all glammed up as though we were out on the pull?!?!

I later realised that dance classes are now a potential dating zone - what is all that about?!?! I have clearly been in a relationship for too long as turning up at my local salsa dancing venue would not have been my first choice when looking for a suitable partner! Quite the opposite after last night's experience!

I found dancing with women the wierdest thing, I know, me of all people shouldn't really say that, but I did! I have never danced with a woman, as in proper dancing or slow dancing and now I know why! You can't do the same moves, as the man has to lead and move one way leaving the lady to be led and move the other way and spin, yes there was a lot of spinning.

My buddy discovered this the hard way, as she spent the night as a man, given that there were 3 woman to every 1 one man! I got to be a lady all night, which doesn't happen often, allowing me to spin and cha cha cha the night away - will I go again, probably not, as busting out the salsa with a sweaty man (sorry buddy) doesn't come close to burning rubber on a spin bike! ;>)

Run, fat boy run...

What a lovely day for a run, a 10k run in fact! The sun was shining, the leaves were falling from the trees and there was barely a wind; a beautiful autumn day.

Many of the tennis team had been dreading 'race day' for some time, some more than others; many of the tennis team had been training for 'race day' some more than others, me included, so it was going to prove an interesting race.

Running is just one of those activities where you are just against yourself, well you do race and others are around you, but ultimately you are there alone, beating the doubting voices in your head and trying to forget about the burning in your lungs and the aching in your feet. However, these feelings make you gald to be alive, especially when you cross the line and know that you had a good race and your work here is done, for today at least!

The team ranged from expereinced runners to complete novices who have never run on a tennis court nevermind on a road in a race. Regardless of the level, each person seemed focussed and competitive in their own sort of way. I was surprised, even those who are not openly competitive were putting themselves out there and going for it - this was so good to see and now I recognise this trait in myself.

I guess in some way or another I felt proud of my team and a little part of me was chuffed that they entered and actually enjoyed it, as it took a little (well rather a lot of) gentle persuasion to get them going, but we got there in the end.

Seeing them putting themselves out there, out of their comfort zone made me think about whether or not I would take a challenge that was really 'not me' and not something that I had ever done or thought I could do - probably not?!?!? So, does that make me a wimp, I am not sure, but it does worry me...do I only take part in things I am good at?

So, I have decided to put myself out there and next Tuesday night I am going to 'salsa' class, yes a salsa class - a beginners one! I can disco dance with the best of them (camp men that is!) but proper dancing, well, it is hardly a strength of mine...so here goes! There will be a post in due course, cha cha cha! :>)

PMT...

Well, what a week! All of the quotes for legal fees way exceeded the estimate from my finance man, the mortgage company required a bigger deposit and the final match of the season didn't get played as the opposition though it was a different day-and I had to cope with all this with serious PMT!

I have everything planned, organised, almost to the point of OCD and then to be told that I have the day wrong...and then get a load of abuse from some loathesome little woman...and then after rearranging the courts and my team so we could play, being told she no longer wants to play! Let me tell you, that tipped me over the edge! Lucky she wasn't there as I would have lumped her one, I think?!

I can handle all the money stuff as that is common and will just require a few more quotes and a little research etc, so no big deal. As for the championship, it now lies in the hands of the organiser-it was afterall a county championship decider...very annoying.

Saying that, I guess I am not that annoyed as in the grand scheme of things it is just a low key tennis league, but I just feel angry...so I am blaming PMT! Why do we become totally irrational for a couple of days each month? I am hard work to be with most of the time, but I must be truly nuts during these PMT days as my other half hoovered, dusted and cleaned the bathroom this morning to avoid coming anywhere near me! :>)

Belief...

At last, light night I went for a run and I finally felt like I could run again! Since the marathon, going running has not been a big feature in my exercise routine; for one I had problems with my knee and secondly, after a few weeks of not running I totally lost my confidence and didn't think I could do it! How stupid is that?

Yesterday, for some reason...when I got through the tedious initial 30 minutes (normally thinking of a million others things I could be doing rather than pounding the streets in the cold wind) I felt as though I was in my running zone again. It was fantastic, that feeling of no pain, just a rythm, settling into the pace of the music and emptying my head of thoughts and achieving the sense of just 'being'. That all sounds a bit crazy, but for those who have been in the 'zone' you will get it!

So, back to the point I was trying to make...I don't think I had lost the ability to run since the marathon, but simply the belief in my ability to run. Now, when thinking about this in other aspects of life (the usual overthinking I go through when something profound has happened) this seems to be a common trait of mine.

If I don't play tennis for a few weeks/months, I suddenly feel panicky that I can no longer play. If I present at work and then have a break for a few months, I get that same panicky feeling that I am no longer capable, as though someone has removed the knowledge from my brain.

So, I am wondering...is this a common human issue or is this a me issue?? In order to solve the problem I need to continue doing things regularly enough for me to believe in myself - the upside of which is that when I do things that often I get mega over confident and told I am arrogant! Sometimes it seems you can never win!

Moving...

So, an eventful week has passed; offer on my flat, offer accepted on a new house, mortgage almost agreed and a sense of the massive realisation that I am about to be quite broke for a few months, well years actually. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited about moving up the chain and having stairs and a spare room and owning a freehold all the other things that come with owning a house, but it is still quite tough knowing that I am going back to the days of be careful with money.

I have been there before and I can go there again, especially as I am putting money into something that I own, which is exciting. Buying my flat was the best thing I ever did, scary, but good scary and so many positives have come from it. I do wonder weather staying put and being comfortable is the favourable option, but part of me kind of wants to keep pushing the boundaries, striving for more in work, rest and play.

And so, I have made the decision that moving onwards and upwards is right for me - that is if the solicitors get a move on and secure the process!!!! You pay them a fortune to print off standard templates and post them - I know there is more to it than that and I know they have to make their uni debt up some how or another, just seems like not a lot of bang for your buck!

Time to go to bed now...eyes are tired from scrolling through 'money supermarket' comparison rates on buildings insurance, contents insurance, gas, electric, rates, cable and every other possible utility in preperation of the move - 'fail to prepare, prepare to fail' as they say - 'fail to sleep, get knackered' is what I say, so goodnight ;>)

A moment of truth...

Champions de la monde! Well, champions of Letchworth actually, but champions none the less - yes the mixed doubles title has been regained by the dynamic, Batman and Robin esq, Shea/Lench duo!

It was a relatively easy match to win, but the major difference from my point of view was my attitude towards the whole occaision. This is the third year I have played in this event and reached the final, but it is the first one that I have not been nervous or worried about what people thought. Previously, I have been nervous, anxious, concerned that club members were expecting me to be outstanding, perform, play incredible shots and generally live up to a reputation that preceeded me as an 'ex player' - not necessarily one that was true but certainly one I had made up in my head.

But this time, I didn't care and it felt great. Why should I be any of the above, why can't I just play and enjoy playing for what it was and is; a fun club mixed doubles final? I did today, I made a conscious decision to just play and not care about the outcome, the score, what people thought...and it felt good, empowering almost.

I have this 'play to win' attitude about everything else in life; work, relationships, friendships etc, heart and soul goes into everything and regardless of the results I learn something, usually something that will help me do things better next time. So, it baffles me that I do not adopt the same principles for the game of tennis?

I thought about it a lot and now realise that everytime I play tennis, I revert back to being a 15 year old; the insecure, self-conscious, petrified of failing 15 year old that I used to be. I guess once you spend so much time acting and reacting in a certain way in a certain situation, it becomes a habit and makes up your way of handling situations. Repeatedly going through the same emotions, anxieties and stress levels on the tennis court regardless of how I have grown and developed as an adult - crazy!

'Do as you have always done and get what you have always gotten' - seeing tennis as a direct reflection of my self-esteem and self-worth has lead to an anxious, nervous, stressful game of tennis everytime.

But, not anymore...tennis is now a game, a fun sport that I happen to be rather good at - how I play does not make me a better colleague, friend or partner and a big fat finger to anyone who tells me otherwise! :>)

Ouch...

My neck hurts damn it! It is my own fault for not stretching and playing so many tennis matches - I actually played 10 matches in the last 9 days, more than I have played in the last few months, so something was going to give. Tennis has improved no end though!

Thank god I know a very nice osteopath, who was very happy to crack, click and crunch until I could turn my head again. I was beginning to look like a robot and as for putting a bra on, what a challenge (glad no one was around to witness that!)

I always stretch after running and cycling, but never after tennis as you often come off the court feeling like you haven't really done anything, although you have, there is just more standing around in between points and changing ends etc, so it feels like you haven't actually done anything when you have, makes sense?!?

Anyway, lesson learnt - must stretch after any form of physical activity from now on, including hoovering and dusting through fear of seizing up!!!

The one good thing to come out of this neck cracking experience is that I have found the wonders of codeine - oh yes, what an amazing drug. If I have to have a baby, I am definately asking for huge quantities of codeine - that stuff is incredible; one small tablet and five minutes later you feel no pain, at all. The only downside is that it is incredibly addictive (wonder why?), makes you drowsy and slightly spaced out (this particular effect probably makes me easier to live with, so bonus more than side affect!) and apparently it prevents you from going to the toilet for a few days - SHIT!! ;>)

Attitude...

Well, it has been an extremely busy few days with work, rest and play! Three mid week tennis matches, cooked dinner for friends on Thursday, out for dinner Friday (too much red wine - well two glasses!), Herts League 'Championship decider' ladies doubles match on Saturday, followed by a team evening, Thorpe Park (theme park, but a heap of overrated crap if you have been to Disneyland) on Sunday and a manic day of meetings on Monday including a County Exec Meeting followed by a Council Meeting that went on until 9.30pm last night!

So, pretty wiped out and today has been an email frenzy - but would much rather have a heap of work than none at all, so can't complain.

The reason for this post, just the one on all the above, is attitude and motivation. It has struck me over the last week how different people are and what motivates them throughout life. I mean, I look at the people sat around the table last night for the Council Meeting - all of varying ages from 45 up to around 80, yes 80!

What motivates them to turn up once every 6 weeks? I started wondering what each individuals motivation for being there was; a genuine volunteer whose heart was in the right place, kudos of being a councillor, loneliness, nothing better to do, personal satisfaction? And then I wondered if I would ever be one of those people, on a committee, saying my bit, telling everyone how great it was in the good old days and generally causing grief for the young executives!

I do hope not, however I know I probably will and I will want to be the chairman! Not so I can boss everyone around (although that does appeal) but so I could have a go at all those who were there for the wrong reasons. I suppose I could do that now, but I have a mortgage to pay!

Just watching the people at Thorpe Park, you see the young - carefree, selfish, oblivious to everyone around them and then the old - tired, disolushioned, puzzled that they have been talked into coming to this shithole (and paying for it!) and there is nothing in between, just young and old!

The dining experience of Friday night - tapas and red wine, lovely, but after two glasses I was pretty tipsy and stopped drinking immediately - why? Because I knew I would have a headache the next day if I continued - when did I become so sensible and cautios?

When do we change? At what age do we morph into fossils and become so bitter? Why do we become so negative and hate everything about change and progression? I am motivated, yes, I am adaptable and welcome change, but there are signs that occasionally I am beginning to tut at the latest piece of technology, the lack of education in children's cartoons, the price of utility bills, it goes on...

So, it seems that we are all destined to become older and wiser but bitter and cynical with it - however, it would have been nice to get a letter or even an email just to let you know you had officially reached this stage!

Inner calm...

I think I have discovered what keeps me quiet, as in out of mishchief and prevents boredom kicking in when I have been forced to sit still for more than five minutes; reading and baking, yes baking!

I have just made a carrot cake and it looks and smells great, although I haven't done the taste test yet, so fingers crossed. Cheated on the icing and used good old Betty Crockers' Vanilla icing, which is quite frankly, the sickliest thing I have ever tasted, but looks good on the cake! I also made some goat's cheese and caramelised onions tarts for tomorrow night's little soiret, they also look pretty good (even if I say so myself, just like the picture in Delia's book).

So, a relaxing day off; ironing, food shopping (love going to Sainsbury's, spent nearly two hours wandering up and down the aisles - I prefer it to a night out these days and to be honest, with 24 hour shopping it's tempting!) baking carrot cake and tarts and now I may read, as I have sat here for nearly five minutes and can feel the boredom alarm bell starting to ring...

On the reading front, I caved after Mrs Dalloway and opted to read the crapy 'holiday' book - only because I am awaiting a biography on the great women herself before delving into another serious author. After reading a 'proper' book, I whipped through the holiday novel in no time at all and subsequently had to buy another one in Sainsbury's today...damn! ;>)

Charlie - do you think you could put the biodgraphy in the post? I am worried that once I return to the holiday novels, it will be a slippery slope and next thing you know I will be getting a daily delivery of The Sun!

So, the coffee machine is bubbling, time to go and make a double espresso and sample the carrot cake...mmmm :>)

She'll be coming round the mountain...

Another mountain conquered - this weekend we ventured 'up north' to Cumbria to climb the highest peak in England; Scarfell Pike.

I am not one for camping, even in nice sunny weather, as the whole communal toilets and showers (normally worked with 20p pieces and the plugholes full of hair - ugh!) and generally 'roughing it' for days is not my idea of fun. However, the most recent camping experience in Snowdon was enlightening to say the least. I think the glorious sunshine and spectacular views sold it to me, that plus the fact it was only one night!!

So, with the 'fun' camping experience under my belt I was eager to see how I fared on a four day, three night tent mission. Well...I am not sure the people of Cumbria have ever seen the sunshine as I certainly didn't when I was there! The sky was mainly grey, quite misty and it rained, serious downpours for hours at a time!

The actual climb was incredible - hard work but well worth it. 1000m up and around 2.5 miles to get there, including steep pathways, stepping stones, a mountain river to cross and finally an almost vertical rocky face (which Reg, the dog, bravely shot up with a little help up the rear!)

So, Lion's Head, Table Mountain, Snowdon and Scarfell Pike all conquered - what next, Everest? On the basis that Snowdon took one night of camping and Scarfell Pike, three (plus investment in some walking shoes, breathable shorts and a base layer), I think Everest may require significantly more nights, not to mention kit and I doubt the campsite facilities on base camp one would include communal toilets and hairy showers! Perhaps I should ensure any future adventures include sunshine and limited amounts of 'roughing it'!

Friends...

I have great friends! Truly great friends!

It is interesting how you make friends. All the friends I have met prior to 2006 ish were met during crazy, crazy times, in crazy places, doing crazier things! However, I am now able to call them up, text occasionally and visit randomly and we pick up where we left off as if years and months had not passed. I love that, effortless friendship with people who have seen the best of you and the worst of you and are still around to hang out with as and when the opportunity arises.

Don't get me wrong, those met post 2006 are still very cool, it is just that these people were met in more stable times, with less craziness but probably the same amount of alcohol!! Whilst all of my friends are very different; lives, vocations, locations, backgrounds etc...there is one thing in common with each and every one of them - a connection.

This connection is very important and for me, friendship will not ensue unless there is some form of connection. This is sometimes deemed as shallow, but I see it as not wasting time with people you do not click with - no point. I am not saying 'friendship at first sight', but after spending an evening or two with someone, you know how you feel and whether or not there is a connection.

So, I am very lucky as I have lots of cool friends, all in different places and all doing different things and all with a connection with me for very different reasons - it is great.

This never used to be the case, as I would confuse attraction with connection - two very different things as I am sure you will agree! I would only want to be friends with people I found attractive, not because I wanted to do anything as such; more so, it made me make an effort. That sounds terrible and it was, but it was more about my inability to make friends for genuine reasons, lack of confidence and lack of experience of doing this at school as I was always playing tennis!

But now, well, it is a different story - I am friends with lots of different people; good looks no longer required!!! So, pre 2006 consider yourself hot stuff, post 2006 you must have stunning personalities!!! Joke obviously!! :>) I look forward to loads more interaction with my current buddies and of course connecting with a few more!

Thoughts...

I watched an episode of 'The Street' last night. I have never seen it before, but wish I had, as the story was about real people, gritty subjects and the sort of issues that happen to people everyday, but issues often never addressed. I love watching programmes that are 'real', issues that you can relate to; emotional trauma, relationship dynamics, the highs, the lows, the bits that come in between, the uncomfortable truths.

I think that deciding to read something with a bit more clout has opened up another little pocket of activity in my brain (yes there is a little room for expansion, blonde on the outside but a deep and meaningful brunette lies within!). I have always thought a lot, sometimes worthwhile stuff, other times just meaningless crap, but thoughts none the less. I believe everyone has a stream of thought, some about hair and make up and clothes and shoes, others about people and emotions and life and love, some flitting between the two extremes, but thoughts none the less.

Reading someone else's thoughts is fascinating as you get all these different perspectives. I guess in close relationships you think you know how someone thinks about things, but you can never really be sure or know everything of what they are thinking about anything - can you really ever know someone or do you just develop a sense of understanding?

So, I have finished the book and can't wait to read more. It is the first book I have read in ages that actually gave me something to think about at the end of it. I have enjoyed all the characters in the book, especially Peter Walsh and Clarissa Dalloway. I can see why he has issues, especially with Clarissa - think I can relate to him the most, not sure what that says about me - perhaps I should purchase a knife to fiddle with during nervous moments!

Eclipse...

I heard on the radio yesterday that it was 10 years to the day that we witnessed the last full eclipse - I could not believe a decade had passed, as I could remember exactly where I was that day!

Now, what worries me is this is exactly the sort of thing you hear your parents saying about key moments in history, yes history, which makes me feel old again damn it! Like, where were you when Kennedy was assassinated? All of a sudden, these sorts of events are happening to people from our own era; Princess Diana, Michael Jackson...it seems like everything lasts forever when you are younger, but then before you know it, famous figures in your life start dying off and it really knocks you for six.

I know everyone dies eventually, in fact, this is the only thing that you can be 100% sure of in life, but it is still a bit sad. I can't believe I am 31...yes 31, just over three decades. I remember thinking 40 was very old indeed, but for me it is the next major milestone...time flies, but who would of thought that when you are sat in a geography lesson learning about long shore drift!

Not a lot more to say on this subject really, just wow, ten years of life has swished passed just like that - it would be interesting to see your 'best bits' on a video, like they do when you exit a reality TV show! I wonder what they would have been over the last 10 years??? I wonder what music I would put the footage to? I am thinking something upbeat as most of the 'best bits' in the last decade have been lively, as well as some of the 'not so best bits' come to that!

Hard work...

Well, I have decided to expand on my reading skills and embark on tackling some of the 'classics'. I used to hate reading as a small child, even as a young adult as I found it incredibly hard to sit still for five minutes; running round like a nutter!

Now I have slowed down (just a bit) I do enjoy reading, but purely as a way of increasing my knowledge, learning little snippets here and there; never been a book worm. I love reading a paper, especially at the weekend or on holiday. As papers are generally dirty (ink always comes off, even on the ones that say they use 'stay on' ink!) so reading the paper in bed is not an option - ruins the duvet! So, I opt for predictable, romantic stories (they always have a 'holiday' book section in Sainsbury's and I always pick one up with the shopping, sad I know) for bedtime reading.

I have ploughed through a few dozen of these crappy novels recently, which is fine, but not sure it is really helping my brain grow - if anything it is just pure escapism. So, as me and my mate Charlie are considering writing a book (Charlie writing and me helping, providing dodgy stories, random characters and basically doing as I am told!) I thought it was high time I read something of substance in an attempt to understand half the stuff she comes out with!?!?!?

Mrs Dalloway is my first one - I really liked the cover (that sounds terrible doesn't it, but it is true) and I have an interesting history with a lady who loved such books. The second is Persuasion and the third recent book purchase (Waterstone's buy two get one free) is a holiday romance - just in case Woolf and Austen blow my tiny mind!!!

Well, I have started and am 30 odd pages in - wow! The writing is amazing and of a style I have never seen before, well I have read Shakespeare, but nothing more recent done in such a style. The prose is like a poem and I have found that I need to develop a reading rhythm in order to absorb the words and the meaning. This is obviously new territory to me, especially as a non 'writer/English literature' type, but I find it exciting as it is a new experience and one I hope expands my mind.

I have already found a great line, which made so much sense, 'so strange is the power of sound at certain moments' - what a great line. I have always thought that sometimes the plainest of noises/sounds have such impact at given moments in time, but would never have thought of writing that down or even considering mentioning that to anyone...waffling, but hopefully you get what I mean?!?! Exciting times...God! if I had a brain I would be scary!!!

Chillin'

What a beautiful moment...does life get any better than those tiny little moments, where, just for a few seconds, minutes even, all is well with the world?

I am home early, prepared the food for my dinner party, sitting back in my bean bag with a g & t in one hand and a roll up (yes mum, you read it and now you have access to this little snippet that is 'my life' you may find out some other interesting things about me!) in the other, ibiza chillout music in the background, sun shining through the blinds, windows wide open, fresh air and a light breeze...mmm!

I very rarely smoke, but sometimes...just sometimes, you have a cigarette moment. Come on, even those that have never smoked or even used to smoke must acknowledge the 'cigarette' moments in life - surely?!?! It is usually caused by a particular view, a song, a moment shared with someone...the list goes on, but these are 'cigarette' moments. I am not sure everyone has them, but I do and to be honest, these are the little things in life that really make you feel glad to be alive!

I do talk a lot and tell most people most things (sorry people!) and all those who know me will agree, but for some reason, writing my thoughts on this little online virtual space is so much easier than talking...especially for capturing those random thoughts. That is the thing, I guess, they are thoughts, not conversations, more internal dialogue that is triggered by a random happening. Then your mind takes you off the beaten track, skipping from one item to the next, flying off at tangents no conversation would take you, as it doesn't need to make sense, as only you are listening!

I rarely drink too these days, as marathon training killed any kind of tolerance I had of alcohol. However, one gin and tonic and I can already feel the warm buzz flowing through my veins....better stop at one otherwise my dinner creation will be ruined and that simply won't do!

Age...

It is becoming increasingly apparent that age is creeping up on me! In a way it is great, as I feel sure of myself and more confident, but in other ways some things are much harder; exercise for one!

God damn, I started an upper body and abs routine earlier this week - felt like I had never done a sit up before, honestly...where did my fitness go...I mean I ran a marathon not so long ago and granted I have not been training much since then, but I have been spinning twice a week, playing tennis and doing the odd 10K...but doing sit ups killed me.

I think as a snapper I used to be very fit and do a lot of exercise, training everyday...I relished anything physical and always excelled. Mentally, I am the same person, but my body tells me otherwise. It is incredible that you presume you can do things just as easily as you used to...not saying I am past it, but I have to work so much harder. On the contrary, my confidence with work, words, people has multiplied ten fold and handling life is a breeze compared to when I was younger.

So, whilst the mind grows the body deteriorates - how unfair is that, totally frustrating! Then again, if it worked in reverse, you would have an awesome body but no clue as to what to do with it! Either way, I guess you must accept what you are given and make the most of it. I have come to realise that even the body beautiful have issues, so I must now learn to love all of myself, even the little or no so little white bits!

Growth...

This is a tough one. We all seem to be growing at different times and at different rates and in different directions, so how is it possible to maintain the dynamic of a relationship with anyone; friend or lover?

I think it is tough to comprehend ongoing change when you are a logical thinker. You work out what you like in someone when you look for a possible other half, then once you find it, you feel that you have solved that problem. Surely the next stage is to plan the way forwards, future developments, commitment, progress? Apparently not. There is no planning involved, no formula to follow, it is becoming more and more apparent that there are no guarantees, no happy ending as you are both always changing.

This totally goes against my philosophy in life; there is a 'one' out there for all of us. I think you are incredibly lucky if you ever get to meet that one, never mind hold onto them. Do you then settle for something less than 'epic love'? Who knows... I don't think I am alone in my romantic quest, I just think others seem happy to settle for something close to the mark knowing the chances of completeness are slim.

No doubt I will carry on regardless, as life does carry on regardless of what happens - people come in and out of our lives, people are born, people die, people fall in love and out of love, doesn't matter nothing stops, everything carries on around us.

It makes me realise just how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things, which then makes me think, why do I bother worrying about all this stuff anyway...then I think life is too short, so go for it, then I think well, on reflection life isn't that short, so bide your time and don't settle and by the time I have done all that thinking, I hear of something truly awful; a stabbing, another bombing and then I feel selfish for even worrying about such petty matters. I have my health, a great family and amazing friends...so stop worrying, thinking, moaning, contemplating!

Quiet on the western front...

I have been pretty quiet recently...not due to the lack of drama in my life, trust me! Sometimes, I wish I could have a Dictaphone to hand to record my thoughts whilst all the drama is occurring as by the time it comes to writing it down, I am pretty shattered.

Anyway, lots going on. Always when you feel like some quiet reflective time; along comes a wave of drama - not that I am complaining as I love a bit of drama! It is like waiting for a bus; nothing for a while and then seven at once.

After all the recent goings on, I have learnt that whilst I used to be a little b****r, getting myself into mess left, right and centre or rather mess finding me...I am now able to learn from my mistakes and deal with stuff a whole load better. I am still far from perfect and no saint, but the little devil horns have been filed down at least!

This is cool and I like knowing that I have grown up in many ways, however, there seems such a long way to go in other areas. Is the learning journey to go on forever? I guess so...and in a way, I don't want it to end as I love learning about myself and others, but sometimes I wish I could get off at a stop, have a coffee, walk to the next one and then hop on again! Hey ho!

Someone else...

I was set a challenge today; write a poem about someone else from their perspective. Now, automatically this is hard as almost everything you think about relates to you or your viewpoint - well that's how my mind works! So, here goes...

My life makes me question 'forever',
Everyone together, then quickly torn apart,
People coming, people going, keep my distance just in case,
Don't expect forever; no commitment, common place.

Never give as they will take away,
Living one day to the next, no long term plans,
Meaningless actions, boost the ego,
Finding chances to get the upper hand.

Memories and hurt of not forever,

Leaves no space for love complete,

Glances, chances, surface actions

Plug the holes, for now at least.

Scary feelings, wanting more than this,
But always running, just in case,
Craving forever; but needing distance,
Want to fill the empty space.

Well, that was my attempt of a poem about someone else, from their point of view. Not sure about my poem...it is very hard to think about someone else's view point, but I totally get it. It reminds me of To Kill a Mockingbird, and how Atticus Finch talks about stepping into someones skin.

I do try to think from someone else's perspective - the hardest thing is understanding that not everyone thinks like you or has the same reason for doing things as you. This last point is particularly prominant in most areas of life, as in the past I have been devastated by the actions of some people who were oblivious to what they had done. I always relate another persons actions to my reason for doing it - wrong, wrong, wrong, as most of the time, people do things for the craziest reasons and you just have to accept it!

I think that is the single, most important lesson I have learnt in the last three years; what a lesson!

Space...

I love my flat...but, it is just not big enough. Well, it is when I am dusting and hoovering, plenty big enough then, but when it comes to hanging my pictures, having friends round for dinner, family to stay the night or planning a bbq on a sunny day, it is just too damn small.

I like the idea of getting a ruin, something that I can do up, decorate, renovate and turn into my own. I seem to be drawn to the property ladder programmes, looking for tips, ideas about design and space. It all sounds very exciting and I am ready to do it, just need to find that ruin!

Is there an age whereby you should have a house rather than a flat? I feel like I am getting to that age...I want nice things, I like buying house stuff, I look at the property section of the paper, I talk about houses with my friends, I read about where the bets place is to buy...sad isn't it.

All those things I used to scoff at when I was younger, take no interest in whatsoever, now seem to be in the forefront of my mind; house, home, commitment.

Self-esteem...

If you are a thinker, I believe the world is a tough place. Emotionally, I mean...it is hard when you think about everything; each conversation, meeting, action, reaction, previous relationships, friendships...and everything that happens in your life is a direct reflection of your own competence, self-worth, self-esteem.

So, a failed relationship makes you a failure, a lesser person; a judgmental line from a friend makes you a bad or misunderstood friend; a negative work email makes you a bad colleague who is no good at your job.

There is another side obviously; a happy relationship makes you a fantastic partner, a good natter on the phone makes you a decent friend and a passing positive phrase at work makes you a competent and efficient worker. The swings and roundabouts of the 'thinkers' world.

You would think that throughout life, the good and bad would strike a balance; highs and lows, good and bad, happy and sad. Unfortunately, it never seems to work like this and you end up super high, confident and in control of everything in your life one day and down and out, drowned in a state of depression, trying to justify your own existence, figuring out where it all went wrong the next...well, a little dramatic but you get my drift.

Does everyone directly associate occurrences in their life with their own self-esteem? Is this normal or are some people oblivious to what goes on around them, living in an emotionless state? For some reason, bobbling along the line of mediocrity seems tougher than the highs and lows of the thinker - surely it is better to live a life of regrets of things we did as oppose to things we did not?

Rock Salt Revival...

Isn't it great to catch up with people you haven't seen for a couple of years, but have known for a considerably long time...talking about good times, bad times, crazy times and people - what they did then, what they do now and everything in between!

My mate JJ used to host these 'gay' evenings, decks, mixing tunes, random venues, crazy arse people...you know the usual! My job would be lugging speakers to and from the venue, from a second floor flat - bloody hell, absolute work out and complete health hazard; one wrong step on those stairs and you were toast, literally death by speaker or sub! I also helped with the flyers as I worked in the graphics department - even kept one of the creative designs I whipped up; a Rock Salt logo floating down into a fish bowl with a little fish swimming around!

It is funny how you can not see someone for years, but pick up where you left off. A phrase, a memory, a song, a person, an incident...the little things that pull you back into the a section of the past as if it were yesterday. Morcheeba - the Sea...now there is a tune; the flat by the sea, the endless reeefers, the decks, the tunes, the fun nights, the dull days at work...oh the fun we had!

By looking back, it also makes you realise how far you have move forwards. Emotionally I have fast forwarded into a grown up, a mature adult who understands emotions, feelings, a decent caring code of conduct. Back then I was a selfish, self-obsessed, insecure, crazed, up for the next adventure, reckless little sod - just like any other oik my age, but it is funny looking back.

And so, I can sit with my mate and smile...knowing that there have been moments, some good, some bad, but we are still mates and have those memories. Life is one long adventure and one long lesson; just going to chill some more beer in preparation for the next time you pop in, sometime around 2012! :>)

Chop chop...

My quarterly visit to the hairdresser...always a pleasure! The salon is a fascinating place, one I now enjoy. This wasn't always the case, as I found the whole experience intimidating; full of crazy stylists, colour fiends and prissy women! Thanks to my good friend and colour guru (who happens to own a salon) I now feel relatively confident about getting chopped and coloured...it has taken two years, with gentle stages of change - plain shoulder length dull blonde hair has become layered, feathered, soft around the edges of my face, with pink soft tones to match!

I think being a hairdresser must be similar to being a tennis coach; people wanting to share their life story, vent their personal problems and enjoying the chance to chat aloud with someone who knows nothing about them and their personal life. I must admit, as a tennis coach in a previous life, this was the main source of fun and led to many adventures!!!

There is always a buzz in the salon and if you are a people watching, the perfect place to sit and drink coffee, whilst watching the world go by. I enjoy watching the expressions of the cutters and the colourers, who smile at the right moment, nod reassuringly at other times and ensure the person in the chair receives the most self-indulgent experience as possible. There is an art to working with people - successfully that is...and all members of this particular salon seem to do a very good job!

I have been combed, cut, coloured, washed and dried...through the treadmill of chair to basin to heat machine to chair and back again. I prefer to sit quietly and maybe answer the odd question, as I am not really a salon bunny - still new to the whole thing and enjoy taking in the sites and sound of the daily action. The more experienced salon goers are totally tuned in, with ideas about colour, cut, facial structure, celebrity styles...you name it, they have considered it before they vent the contents of their brain to the poor stylist in the consultation session - it is like therapy, only you come out with better hair as opposed to a clearer head!

And so, I live to see another appointment....but will wait until I get the nudge from my dear friend and colour guru to book myself in, as not quite reached the dizzy heights of a salon bunny!

Underwear...

Texting and emailing really allows you to write stuff you wouldn't necessarily want to say to someone's face...this can also mean you end up saying something you may regret and once it is down on paper or phone then it is there forever!

Not a bad thing I guess as it means you can share instant emotions, thoughts, feelings...but sometimes this ease of access removes the time you require for clarity amongst other things. I have said plenty of things, that once I have reread a couple of days later have made me cringe!

Fortunately, today's incident only involved underwear...

What do you do when your partner's mum wants to know what to buy their daughter for their birthday? I know that said person would like a hoody, some music, a book or two, but what is the only thing I can think of at the time to text back...UNDERWEAR!

I mean, I wasn't really thinking too much about my reply until I realised I had started to explain the type and style of the underwear...'thong type with thick waist band' is what I think I put in the text...SEND...and then I realised what I was doing...to make it worse, she replied to say 'OK no idea what that means but thanks'.

I quickly responded with 'me neither, but I will find out'...and so, a classic example of instant communication causing an embarrassing situation. It is like speaking without thinking, something which I seem to do all the time - never seem to learn my lesson there, until afterwards of course. Perhaps some of us are just born without the 'think before you speak, text, email' gene?!?

Dodgy birds...

I have recently started engaging in a fourm called Afterellen. It is interesting and full of alternative charachters all with a view to share. Today, one girl asked the questions, 'Why to women who like women (sorry hate the L word) not bother to take care of themselves?'

I found this an interesting question, which opened up a whole barrage of activity. There were some that were angry and quick to say she was wrong, as they all shower and wash their hair regularly! Others mentioned that a bit of lipstick never hurt anyone...the comments went on.

The girl who posted the initial comment then apologised for saying it! What is that all about? All she did is make a valid point I say...we are hardly falling over ourselves for attractive gay women in the street are we???!!! I replied - see below...which caused a bit more upset, god why are some women so precious about their opinion - everyone has one afterall!

'Why are you apologizing? All you did is raise a valid point I would say...those who replied defensively need to chill out. I am not suggesting that your point is wholly true, but for those who do not hang out on the 'scene', the images of gay women in the public eye are usually of overweight, unkempt skin heads. My first experience of a gay club was full of butch, overweight women with little hair - this really put me off as I thought I had to look like that or go out with someone who looked like that!

Being different from the 'majority' is in many cases harder than going with the flow. At first it is fun, this secret group, code, scene, but after a while it becomes draining and limited. I sometimes feel it is harder to be in the 'minority' but look like the 'majority', yet looking like the majority is simply who I am and how I choose to dress. Sometimes I choose to wear a cap, other days I wear more feminine clothes...I don't want to have to stick to a dress code each day to fit in or be recognized by my 'group' - which I believe a lot of gay women do.

When I go out to gay venues or events, I see such effort made to look like the 'minority'. Perhaps I only notice lesbians who want to look masculine, off the wall (for want of a better phrase) and alternative as I sometimes frequent the scene...but I do not recall seeing too many examples of the 'majority' going out of their way to look super straight. What is extreme straightness look like anyway?

Which leads me to my point...by being extreme with our image in order to fit in as part of the 'minority', does that not further isolate us from the 'majority'? Can we not just be who we want to be...and when I say that, not what others in our group expect us to be, but purely ourselves? One day, I would love to just go out to bars, clubs, restaurants that are not branded as straight or gay venues, but simply places to BE!

We spend all our time moaning that we do not want to be branded or put in a box, yet all we seem to do is create images, bars, websites etc just for 'us'! '

I am going back for more now the debate has opened up...will report back in due course...love a good debate! :>)

Behaviour...

People are funny... I was recently chatting with friends, all of whom have full-time jobs and a pretty similar lifestyle to me I guess. We started talking about work and how some of us are luckier than others with our professions. Regardless of the job we do, we had a similar view on certain behaviours in the workplace.

We all agreed that when you first start a job, you are really paranoid about using work email and internet for personal stuff, but after a few months you just think sod it! If they are going to sack me for that then let them! There are loads of other things in work that follow this trend; how you interact with colleagues of the same status and those who are senior to you. We constantly push the boundaries once we gain an element of confidence or safety - we really are creatures of habit.

Watching Wimbledon has made me realise how mentally tough solo sports are, I mean the players cope with the pressure, the audience, the score, the outcome. It is so hard; I couldn't even cope with having a hit on centre court never mind playing a match on it. When a player hits a double fault or misses a shot, the crowd gasp...just hearing that as a viewer makes my stomach knot and muscles tense up. How can they carry on playing? I wish I had the ability to zone out and focus totally on the job in hand. That really is a talent - not many people I know have it, but I admire those who do.


Funny how you work out your strengths and weaknesses as you get older. In our youth everything is a mission; dealing with emotions, others opinions, our opinions, wants and needs, rights and wrongs, good decisions, bad decisions, future paths, options...it goes on! As you get older, I think you still have all this floating round in your head, but you start accepting your weaknesses and embracing your strengths. It is nice to start accepting yourself and being ok with it...shame it takes such a long time to get there!

Wimbledon...

What a tournament; some incredible results and tennis! The atmosphere this year seemed much more 'fan based' for want of a better expression. The new ruling about distribution of tickets has certainly made a difference to the people in attendance - it is fantastic for the sport, as the atmosphere generated is all about the tennis as oppose to the pompous old school farts who go there to mingle.

I also had the opportunity to visit Boodles this year - my god, never going there again. It is primarily a corporate affair, but it really was full of the twat brigade; overdressed, twiglet thin young ladies attached to the wallet, sorry arm of rotund old gents. Full to brim of Pimms and no clue about the rules of tennis! I would not recommend this event to the keen tennis fan, although in a way I would as the seats on the stadium court are always empty due to the TB being occupied in beer tents!

Do people wake up one day and think...'I think I will marry a fat old rich man...yes, that is what I will do. Even though I am young and reasonably attractive, I will endure awful sex and loveless marriage to ensure a lifetime of free shopping and no work.'

People with this mind process scare me...to be honest, there can't be a mind process, as if there was one they would think about what they are doing and then realise it is not good...surely!!! Then again, they are pretty harmless to an extent, just not my sort of person. Problem is, I seem to come across them all the time; mindless, ignorant, airheads - am I being stereotypical?? I do hope not as just completed an equity and diversity course, which I passed, so obviously I am good in theory but not so good in practice! Hey ho!

Snowdon...

What a beautiful weekend...walking up Snowdon! It was incredible weather, although misty on the way up, but schorching hot on the way down and the whole of the next day. The countryside is stunning and north Wwales really is a place to get away from it all. I couldn't live there, but a couple of days in the peace and tranquility is all you need to get back to what counts in life.

I even enjoyed sleeping in a tent, something that I am renowned for hating with a passion - not that keen on sleeping outside in the cold and rain on a paper thin matress when a warm, cosy hotel room with en suite bath is literally round the corner! This time was different, as we had a bigger tent, with our own little bedroom pod, a lounge with a light and some camp chairs. I must be getting old, as for me there was nothing nicer than waking up in the elements, watching the sun rise, hearing the farm cockeral and boiling a little camp stove for the first cup of tea.

Walking up the mountain was tough, as there were two really long steep inclines and the ground was broken slate. I felt fine fitness wise, but my calves and hip flexors were pretty tight when we reached the half way point. It took two and a quarter hours to get to the summit and then one and three quarter hours to get down again. Getting down was also tough as the floor was damp and slippery. I do have some walking shoes, but opted for old runners, as my legs looked like golf clubs in the walking shoes - how vane, but needs must!

A fantastic weekend away and considering we left at 6am on Saturday morning and arrived home at 7pm Sunday night, it felt like we had been gone a lifetime - in a good way of course. :>) Funny that, as it was one night away, but it was enough to recharge the batteries and get back to civilisation with a clear head.

Options...

I guess I have had plenty to think about of late; lifestyle, life choices, children, no children, committment, houses...so many important issues.

Just when you think you have your s*** together, something rears its ugly head. I am not sure why, I guess life is this ever changing state, of which you seem to have no control over, even though you actually decide your fate with every thought, word and action.

You strive to be true to yourself whilst build a happy honest life, being a good partner, friend, work colleague. Then once you feel you get there, all of a sudden you think...is this what it is all about?!?! I think that I want children and the family life, but then I think about how I am going to achieve it. I see the picture in my mind, but when I work backwards to how I get there, this is not easy - lots of practical decisions, no loving actions but sterile procedures....then this makes me think it is all wrong!

So, then I think, well is my life so bad as it is...no committment, no children, just fun, happy times?? I can't answer that either...both options are good options as I am very lucky when I look at what I have in my life; love, friendship, family. Oh, I don't know...I really need to stop thinking, turn off the think tap and just live for today - if someone knows how to do this, please let me know!!! :>)

Dans le noir...

What an enlightening experience; eating in complete darkness. The waiters are blind or visually impaired, guiding you into the black dining room and serving your food and drinks with effortless skill, whilst you sit and fumble with cutlery, napkins, glasses and each other! The food was lovely and even though you choose the type of menu; meat, veggie, fish or surprise...you have no idea what you are eating until they show you pictures afterwards. I would recommend it to anyone as it really does heighten you other senses and of course allow you to appreciate the ability us sighted people have to just turn on the light!

The four glasses of champagne in the limo on the way down was enough for me...I really am struggling to consume a lot of alcohol these days. I know that I stopped for a while during marathon training, but I think it made me realise how much damage it does to your body. Waking up without a hangover is great; you feel refreshed, alive and energised to do something with the day-the usual hangover leads to a day of lethargy. I am not suggesting that I am a boring old git, but my outlook on life has changed; I want something more fulfilling than getting battered...

And now I am sitting in the sun watching some tennis and looking forward to Wimbledon starting tomorrow.

I have discovered a new website called afterellen. It is quite interesting and very informative on gay issues, events, music and current affairs etc. I have never really been one for keeping up to date with the 'scene', as I don't see why I have to involve myself with a scene other than my life. In fact, as I reflect on my lifestyle and circle of friends, I lead a pretty heterosexual life apart from the fact I live with a woman. I have never thought about being part of a scene or community with other alternative people who have the same sexual preference, as I have always preferred to hang out with people I like...for them...is that not normal?!?!

Mind games...

Had loads to talk about all week, but been too busy to download from my brain!

Anyway, first proper tennis match of the season today, away against Townsend. They were a decent team, with three solid pairs. A couple of our key players were missing, so I played down with a second team player as third pair. We lost all three, but the other two pairs did enough to secure the win, so all good.

Losing all three matches was quite annoying and I am beginning to feel that I am losing my touch. Normally, I could have carried us through, but today my partner, a second team player did really well and played amazingly well. I however, was pretty average....very average in fact...'the older I get, the better I was' springs to mind!

Whilst everything else in my life seems to be under control and going well, I still have this battle with tennis. I just can't get past the expectation, the feeling of failure I associate with not succeeding as a player; not that I ever wanted to be a player, but still I failed. I know that people like me for me the person, not me the tennis player, but I automatically associate tennis with my own self-esteem.

I really tried to relax and enjoy it today, but the relaxed attitude made it almost impossible for me to compete, as naturally I need to be intense and fired up...but, if I am intense and fired up I don't necessarily enjoy it! Nightmare! Why, at the ripe old age of 31 am I unable to rationalise tennis and just accept that no one expects miracles, no one expects me to hit amazing shots, beat people easily...the only person who does is me!

I picked the team today as captain; I picked well as the team won the match. The funny thing is, when picking the pairings, the usual format is to put experience with youth, but I had picked sane with insane! Unfortunately, me and my partner were in the insane category - but she had a great day as I offered counselling and encouragement throughout! I however went through mental meltdown, analysing everything from my serving technique through to my reason for existing!

Perhaps I just need to accept that people like, want and love me for me, not my ability to hit a great forehand or beat everyone easily....or perhaps I need to accept that I am just a 'washed up jock' who just doesn't have it anymore?!?

Home...

The delay at the airport was a pain, but it gave me the opportunity to people watch. People should be vetted before they are allowed to have children. It is no wonder why most of the youth of today are such a mess, so rude, ill mannered, selfish, ignorant.

Opposite us at the gate there was a family I nicknamed 'Benidorm' as the father was a pig, the mum was a slob and the offspring were a nightmare. The mum kept feeding them junk food and then the dad shouted at them to sit still and behave - I guess they didn't consider that the junk food was having an impact on their mad behaviour within a confined space!! Then beside family Benidorm we had the family Spod. The dad had glasses looked geeky, possibly in finance, the mum looked prim and proper and quite honestly bored! They happily played Ludo with their children and after the game provided them with a book each for some quiet reading time. The children looked clueless, over protected and looked agonisingly on at the naughty children in the next seats, hoping one day they could be slightly out of control!

From these little snippets of the two families, you could almost map out their lives, how they lived, what their children would turn out like etc. I am not suggesting that either were right or wrong, but does make me realise that whilst I always blame the youth of today, I really should be blaming the parents that brought them into the world. I mean, how hard can it be to install manners, respect, basic rights and wrongs, a balance of work and play? Clearly it is almost impossible given my experience of children that I see on a regular basis. It convinces me more that I could do it and make a pretty good job of it. I am sure the reality of doing it is tougher, but if you are organised, practical and methodical with a job, surely raising a child requires all of those skills too, as after all it is a job!

I am back and have been for a few days, but only really caught up with time since flying home on Thursday. Time is an odd thing, totally messes you up in terms of sleeping and eating. Returning home always makes me smile, as the differences between the country you have been in compared to your home turf is always so apparent, even as you embark on the decent. The fields are all green and very tidy little shapes, the houses are also neatly marked out and the motorways are pretty! The smell of the air, inside the airport, the signs, the layout it is all so English. I always feel safer too, as when arriving in a foreign airport, I feel uneasy of the language, customs, rules etc...I am a scardy cat I guess!

Anyway, I arrive home in shorts to quite a pleasant day in London. The sun was shining, the sky was blue and people seemed in good spirits. The very next day I was greeted with drizzly rain, wind and a grey skies! I had to out the heating on too - what a joke! I also woke up today with a sore throat and a temperature, great! So annoying, I always get ill during or after a holiday, what is that all about - better off not stopping!

Home time...

Time to go home now, leave the madness of Disney World and back to the reality of visiting tennis clubs and telling them their coach is a lazy git and their tennis programme sucks! Only kidding, I love my job and on the whole it is very rewarding, watching clubs develop and seeing projects get off the ground, so all good.

I feel like my tan is fading already, but can't handle any more intense daytime heat - it is so damn hot, burns the hairs off your legs!! I keep telling myself that I will look more tanned once I get home and compare my colour with my pasty friends!!! :>)

It has been a cool holiday and I had a wonderful birthday too - plenty to keep me occupied. I have missed my friends and am looking forward to having a little birthday drink or two with them. Got some cool gifts, well I think they are cool - didn't go for the usual boring stuff, got some funky bits and bobs instead.

The flight is not until 7.30pm, but we plan to get to the airport for 4.30pm - so chilling for the day, staying out of the heat and may even watch some more awful cable! Tori and Dean was on last night...I like it, but I also hate it as it really is a load of crap! I can't work out if Dean is attractive, sometimes he is just because he is big, but close up not an oil painting...and as for Tori, no way...odd looking!

I may see if Rosanne is on again, as watched a couple of episodes last night - I used to love that show as a kid and was allowed to stay up on Friday night to watch it - I was only 8 or 9 and had a crush on Jackie - can't believe I admitted to that, but used to like the older women!!! No-one tops Sharon from Cagney and Lacey...she was totally hot stuff!!

Anyway...better go and finish my packing I guess. Next time I post a blog I will be back at home is sunny England! TTFN :>)

Toilet roll...

What a day! 12 hours of complete fantasy, Universal Studios, Islands of Adventure and then the Blue Man Group Show...I have been on the Hulk, The Mummy, Duelling Draggons, Twister, Dr Seuss, Cat in the Hat, Blutos' Barges, Jurassic Adventure, Men In Black, Jaws and roamed around film sets, in and out of cool shops...I could go on! Crazy day, so many things to look at you get completely lost in this man made world.

The place is enormous and you can't quite explain it as the scale way exceeds anything you have ever seen before. One park is the same size as Lakeside or Bluewater - I know totally vast. I still think Disney is slightly creepy, as I feel they have their way of doing things and little messages with each ride or feature or shop, yet it is all dressed up nice and sweetly so everyone takes it in - not sure I explained that very well, but I know what I mean.

The Blu Man Group was a bizarre show, including catching paint balls in their mouths, drumming on pipes and tin drums covered in luminous paint so the paint sprayed everywhere, especially cool under the strobes. It also had a band dressed in luminous skeleton costumes suspended on the stage, audiance participation and some really creative arty features, like tumble dryer vents and toilet paper spinning around the ceiling and over our heads - hard to explain but cool.

All in all the O Town expereince has been pretty cool and I have done some new stuff, which I alwasy like about my travels; been up in the biggest helium balloon in the world (400ft above the ground, top view), eaten in a Planet Hollywood, gone shopping in the largest mall I have ever seen, been on every scary ride in two theme parks (I normally wimp out on such things, but went for it!) sun bathed in a bikini and didn't worry about it (quite pleased with that one, but need to work on the abs) and read a record breaking four books in one holiday!

Shopping again today, going to get some presents for friends and my little nephews; Jack and Lewes. Our last full day and night, then flying home to probably another rainy, luke warm British summer! Hey ho! :>)

Surf's up...

I have now been to both coasts of Floida; Clearwater, Tampa Bay and Cocoa beach. Clearwater was plush, white sand, a lifeguard every 200 yards, nice places to get a drink and comfy beach chairs. It also had giant pelicans, which scared the crap of me, as when close up they looked like something from Jurassic Park! Cocoa beach was quite another matter; really dirty and there were little, actually large black flies everywhere. They drove me mad landing on me every five minutes, in the end we left as what with the flies and the influx of pigeons landing everywhere it was all too much!

The upside is that we got to drive to both coasts which was cool, little adventures into the unknown - granted that we were only going to the beach, but when you have no idea where you are going, it is fun to take in the new scenery (views of places and more odd people - there are some really strange looking people out here...I know Letchworth is a little 'deliverance' but America is something else!) and see other parts of the area. We drove through Cape Canaveral, which appeared a quiet little town, a bit different from the flashing neon signs and giant advertising boards of International Drive.

After the bleak beach visit it was great to get home and dive (well, tentitively walk) into the fly free pool, followed by a few hours lazing in the sun. I have finished another romantic holiday novel now, number four of this holiday - got to be a record, I must be reading faster. The last one was a Danielle Steele number; I know, how tragic is that, but after a couple of Mills and Boon that I found in the villa, her book was vastly superior! The story lines are so bad, but entertaining all the same - it is good to switch the brain off and as the soaps are not available I have my rubbish books and Tori and Dean on Tuesday nights!

Finally, a trip to see a film - Angels and Demons. I loved the Da Vinci Code, preffered the book, but have been looking forward to seeing the first of the Dan Brown books. The cinema seats are huge, so comfortable, it was like sitting in a 'laz e boy'. I am thankful that they were large seats as we were surrounded by quite big people - I am conscious that I am becoming fattest! I am not really, well I don't think so...I just really have an issue with people who take no care of themselves whatsoever - I mean don't get me wrong, it is easy to overindulge, eat a donut or two, drink too much alcohol, put the gym off for another day, blah blah, but if my comfy jeans (reserved especially for 'fat' days - you know what I mean) beacme too tight, I would need to take some action. I don't think that happens to some people...I mean when would you ever think, 'Damn, my fat jeans are too small, I had better go and buy some bigger ones!' - which takes out the rest of your wardrobe surely! Easier said than done I guess, but it does leave me wondering about what goes through people's minds, if anything.

I have definately come to the conclusion that a lot of people never actually think, well not in depth anyway - I really struggle to get my head round this issue. Perhaps I over think becasue of who I am, my way of life, but I doubt it. If I was leading the usual life, my choices would still require loads of thinking, planning and general consideration. Surely, when thinking about children, homes, future, where you want to be, the life you want to lead, it is important that you get all this stuff clear in your own mind before taking action? I see so many people in a relationship who just seem to get on with all these things without a second thought; one day they get pregnant, then move to a bigger house, then have another child and there you have it, life plan sorted, not much thought required! I seem to always get stuck on the first bit, not surprising, as with the current options available to people with my life choices are all pretty grim - but then what about adoption? Are there not already too many children in the world, why go through all those sterile processes when you can look after a child destined to have a pretty loveless, miserable life?

Damn, I have gone from beach chat to children...better out than in I suppose! Off to Universal Studios and Island of Adventure and then to the Blue Man Show, my birthday present - I am very excited and looking forward to getting covered in paint! :>)

Only here...

What an incredible birthday, full of fast rides, adventures, vast array of cultures and enough fireworks to blow up Parliament (Guy Fawkes would have been proud of the display!) Only in America would you experience such an insane, completely over the top theme park full of past, present and future from all corners of the world, EPCOT is an awesome experience - and to think they roll out the same programme every single day!

My favourite part was Soarin'; a brilliant ride where you are suspended above a huge 3D screen and flown all over the place, viewing mountain ranges, Golden Gate bridge, fields, oceans and then the bright lights of America - unreal, you feel as though you are on a hand glider! We also went up in a rocket launch and sped round a test track in a crash test dummy car - the options are limitless, with every single little detail covered.

The only thing I found annoying is the bloody Americans lack of manners - they do not like queuing, they just barge past, so rude! To make it worse, the majority are clinically obese so you have no choice but to surrender and give way through fear of being crushed to death. Perhaps they should consider eating less and moving more? It really amazes me how many people you see that look as though they have never attempted anything physical EVER! It really is a turn off, especially men who are supposed to be the more muscular of the two sexes - pasty, untoned, fat men...ugh!

I am most definately becoming more opinionated in my old age, very sure about what I like and what I dislike and it takes me a decent discussion/debate to convince me otherwise. Not that I would ever have a problem admitting that I was wrong - course not! ;>)

Whilst I was loving the cultural experience, when it came to dinner time I was craving some lager and English food! I decided that we would eat at the Rose and Crown pub in the United Kingdom area, after watching the Beatles live and enjoying a quick Guinness and black...mmm! That gives you an idea of how random this place is, a whole little world carefully concealed in a theme park - nuts!

And so, I am writing my blog of the experience, totally knackered from yesterday. I am ready to jump in the pool, read my book and soak up some more sun...burn baby burn!

Kerching...

Shopping frenzy - the shops here are incredible and everything is so cheap...it is worth getting on the flight just to go shopping! I have some cool new Ecko Red trainers and some funky new Adidas runners, as the others were pretty much worn out. I never normally like shopping, but here you just can't help it, every possible kind of shop, it's fab (I sound incredibly girlie, but not sure what has come over me!)

The Old Town was an interesting experience, very creepy. Even though we were safe in a tourist attraction, the people w0rking in the shops were all quite odd, slightly hick to say the least. In fact, most people that I have come across that work in these gift shops, diners etc are all slightly odd.

Yesterday, at the petrol station, I was laughed at for asking for stamps! How rude, the cashier lady and her friend mimmicked my voice and told me that only 'stairmps' were available, not 'stamps' and had a little chuckle to themsleves. I reveresed the insult and mimmicked them by saying, 'ya all have a nice day now!' in a deep southern accent, it was cool as they both laughed and saw the funny side!

I had my first short stack of pancakes since arriving and boy was it good. I love American pancakes with syrup, so nice, a rare treat as they contain about 4 million calories! The 'all you can eat' buffets are really disgusting. The idea that people go out to eat with the view of stuffing their face until they literally can't eat, well move actually is foul. It seems to have caught on in England now, but I am not a fan. The quality of what you can gorge yourself with is pretty crap compared to ordering something from the menu. Unfortunately, everywhere seems to be like this over here, so eating out is not as good as I thought it would be. :>(

In fact since being here, I have noticed loads of differences in the culture that I did not last time I visited. Just because we speak the same language, we presume that culturally we are the same, but far from it. I am enjoying picking up on these differences and everyday seems to throw up something different which changes my initial perception.

I do love England and I do love Europe, so much culture, history, beautiful scenery. America is really something completely different and a hell of a lot to take in; vast spaces and large everything! The Americans are sweet and very sincere, which makes me realise just how cynical us English really are, taking every single opportunity to take the piss or make a joke. Same language, but poles apart! :>)

Ouch...

Well, what a couple of days! There has been enough rain water to flush out the whole of the UK and enough sun to scorch my legs, back and shoulders - everything is bigger here, even the weather! Some of the clouds and the views I have seen have compared to the scenes from the film Twister!

Aquatica was the venue for yesterday; full of people, all shapes and sizes, so I happily minced around in my bikini feeling quite good about myself. There were some very scary sites, all of whom seemed to have no issue with letting it all hang out, literally!

I have never been in such intense heat, seriously scorchio! I actually felt as though my body was cooking and felt relieved when the sun dissappeared behind the cloud. The water was a welcome relief and I found the lazy river particularly fun; sitting in a rubber ring and floating round in the sun - a small hole for a cocktail would have finished off the expereince!

It is funny how the heat makes you lose your appetite (although there were a lot of poeple who still clearly had theirs!), however, by 7 pm that evening I was ravenous and looking forward to some good American food. Golden Correll was the chosen venue and from previous experiences of American cuisine, I was very excited...that was until we arrived!

It was a self serve, all you can eat cafe, full of super sized people and a variety of food - not too much in the form of the veggie diet, but I managed on fish and mashed potato. People are pretty foul, so many large people eating more than their body weigth in food and then going back for more - I literally had to hold my jaw up as it kept dropping to the floor!

And so to bed, tired, burnt and feet very sore - I guess being exposed to 32 degrees of sunshine for over 8 hours is a bit of a shock to the system! I am a true Brit!! :>)

Pissed...

Hello and I seem to have woken up finally, even though it's getting late here and I have been weary all day!

The sun was certainly shining this morning and it was hot, hot, hot! The heat makes you want to have an ice cold drink, so middle of the day, scorching heat, let's order a 'raspberry Rita margarita' - wow, so nice didn't even taste of alcohol - not good me being a Larry lightweight and all. That went down nicely, so let's try the coconut and amaretto version, ooh very nice. So, two drinks and a lot of heat equals me quite pissed and pretty useless for the rest of the day!

We get home after perusing the shops, cinema options and everything else available in the City Walk - we didn't quite make it into Universal Studios as we forgot the tickets and didn't fancy spending $100 each to get in, so ended up checking out what was there, seeing Portofino (well the American version) and Margaritasville of course - hic!

I dive in the pool, well fall in technically and enjoy wrestling with the alligator, well the blow up one that is and then fall asleep for a little while in the lovely sunshine. Wake up, sore head and major, major black clouds - weather warning on the TV, another mental storm approaching. My god, how scary are storms in this country - none of the gale forced winds and downpours like us Brits experience, full on palm trees at 45 degrees and so much rain that you cannot see anything! It did not stop for over an hour, to the point where the pool nearly flooded and water was leaking into the house!!!

It is all over now thank goodness, at least we had heavy sunshine for the early part of the day - very strong sunshine as it happens as shoulders and neck are pretty red! Watching American TV this evening, so many channels and so much sh** - although it is addictive sh**, as I have spent the last two hours watching 'ultimate fighter', the cage fighting championship between '1,2,3 USA' and '1,2,3 we're not gay UK' - crazy buggers!

I think we are heading for a water park tomorrow, so hopefully we will sort tickets beforehand and try some rides! Although, I do find the whole theme park experience a little overrated, as I haven't quite worked out why people are obsessed with queueing for hours to go on rides that make them want to vomit and of course pay for the whole experience!!!