Growth...

This is a tough one. We all seem to be growing at different times and at different rates and in different directions, so how is it possible to maintain the dynamic of a relationship with anyone; friend or lover?

I think it is tough to comprehend ongoing change when you are a logical thinker. You work out what you like in someone when you look for a possible other half, then once you find it, you feel that you have solved that problem. Surely the next stage is to plan the way forwards, future developments, commitment, progress? Apparently not. There is no planning involved, no formula to follow, it is becoming more and more apparent that there are no guarantees, no happy ending as you are both always changing.

This totally goes against my philosophy in life; there is a 'one' out there for all of us. I think you are incredibly lucky if you ever get to meet that one, never mind hold onto them. Do you then settle for something less than 'epic love'? Who knows... I don't think I am alone in my romantic quest, I just think others seem happy to settle for something close to the mark knowing the chances of completeness are slim.

No doubt I will carry on regardless, as life does carry on regardless of what happens - people come in and out of our lives, people are born, people die, people fall in love and out of love, doesn't matter nothing stops, everything carries on around us.

It makes me realise just how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things, which then makes me think, why do I bother worrying about all this stuff anyway...then I think life is too short, so go for it, then I think well, on reflection life isn't that short, so bide your time and don't settle and by the time I have done all that thinking, I hear of something truly awful; a stabbing, another bombing and then I feel selfish for even worrying about such petty matters. I have my health, a great family and amazing friends...so stop worrying, thinking, moaning, contemplating!

Quiet on the western front...

I have been pretty quiet recently...not due to the lack of drama in my life, trust me! Sometimes, I wish I could have a Dictaphone to hand to record my thoughts whilst all the drama is occurring as by the time it comes to writing it down, I am pretty shattered.

Anyway, lots going on. Always when you feel like some quiet reflective time; along comes a wave of drama - not that I am complaining as I love a bit of drama! It is like waiting for a bus; nothing for a while and then seven at once.

After all the recent goings on, I have learnt that whilst I used to be a little b****r, getting myself into mess left, right and centre or rather mess finding me...I am now able to learn from my mistakes and deal with stuff a whole load better. I am still far from perfect and no saint, but the little devil horns have been filed down at least!

This is cool and I like knowing that I have grown up in many ways, however, there seems such a long way to go in other areas. Is the learning journey to go on forever? I guess so...and in a way, I don't want it to end as I love learning about myself and others, but sometimes I wish I could get off at a stop, have a coffee, walk to the next one and then hop on again! Hey ho!

Someone else...

I was set a challenge today; write a poem about someone else from their perspective. Now, automatically this is hard as almost everything you think about relates to you or your viewpoint - well that's how my mind works! So, here goes...

My life makes me question 'forever',
Everyone together, then quickly torn apart,
People coming, people going, keep my distance just in case,
Don't expect forever; no commitment, common place.

Never give as they will take away,
Living one day to the next, no long term plans,
Meaningless actions, boost the ego,
Finding chances to get the upper hand.

Memories and hurt of not forever,

Leaves no space for love complete,

Glances, chances, surface actions

Plug the holes, for now at least.

Scary feelings, wanting more than this,
But always running, just in case,
Craving forever; but needing distance,
Want to fill the empty space.

Well, that was my attempt of a poem about someone else, from their point of view. Not sure about my poem...it is very hard to think about someone else's view point, but I totally get it. It reminds me of To Kill a Mockingbird, and how Atticus Finch talks about stepping into someones skin.

I do try to think from someone else's perspective - the hardest thing is understanding that not everyone thinks like you or has the same reason for doing things as you. This last point is particularly prominant in most areas of life, as in the past I have been devastated by the actions of some people who were oblivious to what they had done. I always relate another persons actions to my reason for doing it - wrong, wrong, wrong, as most of the time, people do things for the craziest reasons and you just have to accept it!

I think that is the single, most important lesson I have learnt in the last three years; what a lesson!

Space...

I love my flat...but, it is just not big enough. Well, it is when I am dusting and hoovering, plenty big enough then, but when it comes to hanging my pictures, having friends round for dinner, family to stay the night or planning a bbq on a sunny day, it is just too damn small.

I like the idea of getting a ruin, something that I can do up, decorate, renovate and turn into my own. I seem to be drawn to the property ladder programmes, looking for tips, ideas about design and space. It all sounds very exciting and I am ready to do it, just need to find that ruin!

Is there an age whereby you should have a house rather than a flat? I feel like I am getting to that age...I want nice things, I like buying house stuff, I look at the property section of the paper, I talk about houses with my friends, I read about where the bets place is to buy...sad isn't it.

All those things I used to scoff at when I was younger, take no interest in whatsoever, now seem to be in the forefront of my mind; house, home, commitment.

Self-esteem...

If you are a thinker, I believe the world is a tough place. Emotionally, I mean...it is hard when you think about everything; each conversation, meeting, action, reaction, previous relationships, friendships...and everything that happens in your life is a direct reflection of your own competence, self-worth, self-esteem.

So, a failed relationship makes you a failure, a lesser person; a judgmental line from a friend makes you a bad or misunderstood friend; a negative work email makes you a bad colleague who is no good at your job.

There is another side obviously; a happy relationship makes you a fantastic partner, a good natter on the phone makes you a decent friend and a passing positive phrase at work makes you a competent and efficient worker. The swings and roundabouts of the 'thinkers' world.

You would think that throughout life, the good and bad would strike a balance; highs and lows, good and bad, happy and sad. Unfortunately, it never seems to work like this and you end up super high, confident and in control of everything in your life one day and down and out, drowned in a state of depression, trying to justify your own existence, figuring out where it all went wrong the next...well, a little dramatic but you get my drift.

Does everyone directly associate occurrences in their life with their own self-esteem? Is this normal or are some people oblivious to what goes on around them, living in an emotionless state? For some reason, bobbling along the line of mediocrity seems tougher than the highs and lows of the thinker - surely it is better to live a life of regrets of things we did as oppose to things we did not?

Rock Salt Revival...

Isn't it great to catch up with people you haven't seen for a couple of years, but have known for a considerably long time...talking about good times, bad times, crazy times and people - what they did then, what they do now and everything in between!

My mate JJ used to host these 'gay' evenings, decks, mixing tunes, random venues, crazy arse people...you know the usual! My job would be lugging speakers to and from the venue, from a second floor flat - bloody hell, absolute work out and complete health hazard; one wrong step on those stairs and you were toast, literally death by speaker or sub! I also helped with the flyers as I worked in the graphics department - even kept one of the creative designs I whipped up; a Rock Salt logo floating down into a fish bowl with a little fish swimming around!

It is funny how you can not see someone for years, but pick up where you left off. A phrase, a memory, a song, a person, an incident...the little things that pull you back into the a section of the past as if it were yesterday. Morcheeba - the Sea...now there is a tune; the flat by the sea, the endless reeefers, the decks, the tunes, the fun nights, the dull days at work...oh the fun we had!

By looking back, it also makes you realise how far you have move forwards. Emotionally I have fast forwarded into a grown up, a mature adult who understands emotions, feelings, a decent caring code of conduct. Back then I was a selfish, self-obsessed, insecure, crazed, up for the next adventure, reckless little sod - just like any other oik my age, but it is funny looking back.

And so, I can sit with my mate and smile...knowing that there have been moments, some good, some bad, but we are still mates and have those memories. Life is one long adventure and one long lesson; just going to chill some more beer in preparation for the next time you pop in, sometime around 2012! :>)

Chop chop...

My quarterly visit to the hairdresser...always a pleasure! The salon is a fascinating place, one I now enjoy. This wasn't always the case, as I found the whole experience intimidating; full of crazy stylists, colour fiends and prissy women! Thanks to my good friend and colour guru (who happens to own a salon) I now feel relatively confident about getting chopped and coloured...it has taken two years, with gentle stages of change - plain shoulder length dull blonde hair has become layered, feathered, soft around the edges of my face, with pink soft tones to match!

I think being a hairdresser must be similar to being a tennis coach; people wanting to share their life story, vent their personal problems and enjoying the chance to chat aloud with someone who knows nothing about them and their personal life. I must admit, as a tennis coach in a previous life, this was the main source of fun and led to many adventures!!!

There is always a buzz in the salon and if you are a people watching, the perfect place to sit and drink coffee, whilst watching the world go by. I enjoy watching the expressions of the cutters and the colourers, who smile at the right moment, nod reassuringly at other times and ensure the person in the chair receives the most self-indulgent experience as possible. There is an art to working with people - successfully that is...and all members of this particular salon seem to do a very good job!

I have been combed, cut, coloured, washed and dried...through the treadmill of chair to basin to heat machine to chair and back again. I prefer to sit quietly and maybe answer the odd question, as I am not really a salon bunny - still new to the whole thing and enjoy taking in the sites and sound of the daily action. The more experienced salon goers are totally tuned in, with ideas about colour, cut, facial structure, celebrity styles...you name it, they have considered it before they vent the contents of their brain to the poor stylist in the consultation session - it is like therapy, only you come out with better hair as opposed to a clearer head!

And so, I live to see another appointment....but will wait until I get the nudge from my dear friend and colour guru to book myself in, as not quite reached the dizzy heights of a salon bunny!

Underwear...

Texting and emailing really allows you to write stuff you wouldn't necessarily want to say to someone's face...this can also mean you end up saying something you may regret and once it is down on paper or phone then it is there forever!

Not a bad thing I guess as it means you can share instant emotions, thoughts, feelings...but sometimes this ease of access removes the time you require for clarity amongst other things. I have said plenty of things, that once I have reread a couple of days later have made me cringe!

Fortunately, today's incident only involved underwear...

What do you do when your partner's mum wants to know what to buy their daughter for their birthday? I know that said person would like a hoody, some music, a book or two, but what is the only thing I can think of at the time to text back...UNDERWEAR!

I mean, I wasn't really thinking too much about my reply until I realised I had started to explain the type and style of the underwear...'thong type with thick waist band' is what I think I put in the text...SEND...and then I realised what I was doing...to make it worse, she replied to say 'OK no idea what that means but thanks'.

I quickly responded with 'me neither, but I will find out'...and so, a classic example of instant communication causing an embarrassing situation. It is like speaking without thinking, something which I seem to do all the time - never seem to learn my lesson there, until afterwards of course. Perhaps some of us are just born without the 'think before you speak, text, email' gene?!?

Dodgy birds...

I have recently started engaging in a fourm called Afterellen. It is interesting and full of alternative charachters all with a view to share. Today, one girl asked the questions, 'Why to women who like women (sorry hate the L word) not bother to take care of themselves?'

I found this an interesting question, which opened up a whole barrage of activity. There were some that were angry and quick to say she was wrong, as they all shower and wash their hair regularly! Others mentioned that a bit of lipstick never hurt anyone...the comments went on.

The girl who posted the initial comment then apologised for saying it! What is that all about? All she did is make a valid point I say...we are hardly falling over ourselves for attractive gay women in the street are we???!!! I replied - see below...which caused a bit more upset, god why are some women so precious about their opinion - everyone has one afterall!

'Why are you apologizing? All you did is raise a valid point I would say...those who replied defensively need to chill out. I am not suggesting that your point is wholly true, but for those who do not hang out on the 'scene', the images of gay women in the public eye are usually of overweight, unkempt skin heads. My first experience of a gay club was full of butch, overweight women with little hair - this really put me off as I thought I had to look like that or go out with someone who looked like that!

Being different from the 'majority' is in many cases harder than going with the flow. At first it is fun, this secret group, code, scene, but after a while it becomes draining and limited. I sometimes feel it is harder to be in the 'minority' but look like the 'majority', yet looking like the majority is simply who I am and how I choose to dress. Sometimes I choose to wear a cap, other days I wear more feminine clothes...I don't want to have to stick to a dress code each day to fit in or be recognized by my 'group' - which I believe a lot of gay women do.

When I go out to gay venues or events, I see such effort made to look like the 'minority'. Perhaps I only notice lesbians who want to look masculine, off the wall (for want of a better phrase) and alternative as I sometimes frequent the scene...but I do not recall seeing too many examples of the 'majority' going out of their way to look super straight. What is extreme straightness look like anyway?

Which leads me to my point...by being extreme with our image in order to fit in as part of the 'minority', does that not further isolate us from the 'majority'? Can we not just be who we want to be...and when I say that, not what others in our group expect us to be, but purely ourselves? One day, I would love to just go out to bars, clubs, restaurants that are not branded as straight or gay venues, but simply places to BE!

We spend all our time moaning that we do not want to be branded or put in a box, yet all we seem to do is create images, bars, websites etc just for 'us'! '

I am going back for more now the debate has opened up...will report back in due course...love a good debate! :>)

Behaviour...

People are funny... I was recently chatting with friends, all of whom have full-time jobs and a pretty similar lifestyle to me I guess. We started talking about work and how some of us are luckier than others with our professions. Regardless of the job we do, we had a similar view on certain behaviours in the workplace.

We all agreed that when you first start a job, you are really paranoid about using work email and internet for personal stuff, but after a few months you just think sod it! If they are going to sack me for that then let them! There are loads of other things in work that follow this trend; how you interact with colleagues of the same status and those who are senior to you. We constantly push the boundaries once we gain an element of confidence or safety - we really are creatures of habit.

Watching Wimbledon has made me realise how mentally tough solo sports are, I mean the players cope with the pressure, the audience, the score, the outcome. It is so hard; I couldn't even cope with having a hit on centre court never mind playing a match on it. When a player hits a double fault or misses a shot, the crowd gasp...just hearing that as a viewer makes my stomach knot and muscles tense up. How can they carry on playing? I wish I had the ability to zone out and focus totally on the job in hand. That really is a talent - not many people I know have it, but I admire those who do.


Funny how you work out your strengths and weaknesses as you get older. In our youth everything is a mission; dealing with emotions, others opinions, our opinions, wants and needs, rights and wrongs, good decisions, bad decisions, future paths, options...it goes on! As you get older, I think you still have all this floating round in your head, but you start accepting your weaknesses and embracing your strengths. It is nice to start accepting yourself and being ok with it...shame it takes such a long time to get there!