Well, what a week! All of the quotes for legal fees way exceeded the estimate from my finance man, the mortgage company required a bigger deposit and the final match of the season didn't get played as the opposition though it was a different day-and I had to cope with all this with serious PMT!
I have everything planned, organised, almost to the point of OCD and then to be told that I have the day wrong...and then get a load of abuse from some loathesome little woman...and then after rearranging the courts and my team so we could play, being told she no longer wants to play! Let me tell you, that tipped me over the edge! Lucky she wasn't there as I would have lumped her one, I think?!
I can handle all the money stuff as that is common and will just require a few more quotes and a little research etc, so no big deal. As for the championship, it now lies in the hands of the organiser-it was afterall a county championship decider...very annoying.
Saying that, I guess I am not that annoyed as in the grand scheme of things it is just a low key tennis league, but I just feel angry...so I am blaming PMT! Why do we become totally irrational for a couple of days each month? I am hard work to be with most of the time, but I must be truly nuts during these PMT days as my other half hoovered, dusted and cleaned the bathroom this morning to avoid coming anywhere near me! :>)
Sunday 27 September 2009
Saturday 26 September 2009
Belief...
At last, light night I went for a run and I finally felt like I could run again! Since the marathon, going running has not been a big feature in my exercise routine; for one I had problems with my knee and secondly, after a few weeks of not running I totally lost my confidence and didn't think I could do it! How stupid is that?
Yesterday, for some reason...when I got through the tedious initial 30 minutes (normally thinking of a million others things I could be doing rather than pounding the streets in the cold wind) I felt as though I was in my running zone again. It was fantastic, that feeling of no pain, just a rythm, settling into the pace of the music and emptying my head of thoughts and achieving the sense of just 'being'. That all sounds a bit crazy, but for those who have been in the 'zone' you will get it!
So, back to the point I was trying to make...I don't think I had lost the ability to run since the marathon, but simply the belief in my ability to run. Now, when thinking about this in other aspects of life (the usual overthinking I go through when something profound has happened) this seems to be a common trait of mine.
If I don't play tennis for a few weeks/months, I suddenly feel panicky that I can no longer play. If I present at work and then have a break for a few months, I get that same panicky feeling that I am no longer capable, as though someone has removed the knowledge from my brain.
So, I am wondering...is this a common human issue or is this a me issue?? In order to solve the problem I need to continue doing things regularly enough for me to believe in myself - the upside of which is that when I do things that often I get mega over confident and told I am arrogant! Sometimes it seems you can never win!
Yesterday, for some reason...when I got through the tedious initial 30 minutes (normally thinking of a million others things I could be doing rather than pounding the streets in the cold wind) I felt as though I was in my running zone again. It was fantastic, that feeling of no pain, just a rythm, settling into the pace of the music and emptying my head of thoughts and achieving the sense of just 'being'. That all sounds a bit crazy, but for those who have been in the 'zone' you will get it!
So, back to the point I was trying to make...I don't think I had lost the ability to run since the marathon, but simply the belief in my ability to run. Now, when thinking about this in other aspects of life (the usual overthinking I go through when something profound has happened) this seems to be a common trait of mine.
If I don't play tennis for a few weeks/months, I suddenly feel panicky that I can no longer play. If I present at work and then have a break for a few months, I get that same panicky feeling that I am no longer capable, as though someone has removed the knowledge from my brain.
So, I am wondering...is this a common human issue or is this a me issue?? In order to solve the problem I need to continue doing things regularly enough for me to believe in myself - the upside of which is that when I do things that often I get mega over confident and told I am arrogant! Sometimes it seems you can never win!
Friday 25 September 2009
Moving...
So, an eventful week has passed; offer on my flat, offer accepted on a new house, mortgage almost agreed and a sense of the massive realisation that I am about to be quite broke for a few months, well years actually. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited about moving up the chain and having stairs and a spare room and owning a freehold all the other things that come with owning a house, but it is still quite tough knowing that I am going back to the days of be careful with money.
I have been there before and I can go there again, especially as I am putting money into something that I own, which is exciting. Buying my flat was the best thing I ever did, scary, but good scary and so many positives have come from it. I do wonder weather staying put and being comfortable is the favourable option, but part of me kind of wants to keep pushing the boundaries, striving for more in work, rest and play.
And so, I have made the decision that moving onwards and upwards is right for me - that is if the solicitors get a move on and secure the process!!!! You pay them a fortune to print off standard templates and post them - I know there is more to it than that and I know they have to make their uni debt up some how or another, just seems like not a lot of bang for your buck!
Time to go to bed now...eyes are tired from scrolling through 'money supermarket' comparison rates on buildings insurance, contents insurance, gas, electric, rates, cable and every other possible utility in preperation of the move - 'fail to prepare, prepare to fail' as they say - 'fail to sleep, get knackered' is what I say, so goodnight ;>)
I have been there before and I can go there again, especially as I am putting money into something that I own, which is exciting. Buying my flat was the best thing I ever did, scary, but good scary and so many positives have come from it. I do wonder weather staying put and being comfortable is the favourable option, but part of me kind of wants to keep pushing the boundaries, striving for more in work, rest and play.
And so, I have made the decision that moving onwards and upwards is right for me - that is if the solicitors get a move on and secure the process!!!! You pay them a fortune to print off standard templates and post them - I know there is more to it than that and I know they have to make their uni debt up some how or another, just seems like not a lot of bang for your buck!
Time to go to bed now...eyes are tired from scrolling through 'money supermarket' comparison rates on buildings insurance, contents insurance, gas, electric, rates, cable and every other possible utility in preperation of the move - 'fail to prepare, prepare to fail' as they say - 'fail to sleep, get knackered' is what I say, so goodnight ;>)
Sunday 13 September 2009
A moment of truth...
Champions de la monde! Well, champions of Letchworth actually, but champions none the less - yes the mixed doubles title has been regained by the dynamic, Batman and Robin esq, Shea/Lench duo!
It was a relatively easy match to win, but the major difference from my point of view was my attitude towards the whole occaision. This is the third year I have played in this event and reached the final, but it is the first one that I have not been nervous or worried about what people thought. Previously, I have been nervous, anxious, concerned that club members were expecting me to be outstanding, perform, play incredible shots and generally live up to a reputation that preceeded me as an 'ex player' - not necessarily one that was true but certainly one I had made up in my head.
But this time, I didn't care and it felt great. Why should I be any of the above, why can't I just play and enjoy playing for what it was and is; a fun club mixed doubles final? I did today, I made a conscious decision to just play and not care about the outcome, the score, what people thought...and it felt good, empowering almost.
I have this 'play to win' attitude about everything else in life; work, relationships, friendships etc, heart and soul goes into everything and regardless of the results I learn something, usually something that will help me do things better next time. So, it baffles me that I do not adopt the same principles for the game of tennis?
I thought about it a lot and now realise that everytime I play tennis, I revert back to being a 15 year old; the insecure, self-conscious, petrified of failing 15 year old that I used to be. I guess once you spend so much time acting and reacting in a certain way in a certain situation, it becomes a habit and makes up your way of handling situations. Repeatedly going through the same emotions, anxieties and stress levels on the tennis court regardless of how I have grown and developed as an adult - crazy!
'Do as you have always done and get what you have always gotten' - seeing tennis as a direct reflection of my self-esteem and self-worth has lead to an anxious, nervous, stressful game of tennis everytime.
But, not anymore...tennis is now a game, a fun sport that I happen to be rather good at - how I play does not make me a better colleague, friend or partner and a big fat finger to anyone who tells me otherwise! :>)
It was a relatively easy match to win, but the major difference from my point of view was my attitude towards the whole occaision. This is the third year I have played in this event and reached the final, but it is the first one that I have not been nervous or worried about what people thought. Previously, I have been nervous, anxious, concerned that club members were expecting me to be outstanding, perform, play incredible shots and generally live up to a reputation that preceeded me as an 'ex player' - not necessarily one that was true but certainly one I had made up in my head.
But this time, I didn't care and it felt great. Why should I be any of the above, why can't I just play and enjoy playing for what it was and is; a fun club mixed doubles final? I did today, I made a conscious decision to just play and not care about the outcome, the score, what people thought...and it felt good, empowering almost.
I have this 'play to win' attitude about everything else in life; work, relationships, friendships etc, heart and soul goes into everything and regardless of the results I learn something, usually something that will help me do things better next time. So, it baffles me that I do not adopt the same principles for the game of tennis?
I thought about it a lot and now realise that everytime I play tennis, I revert back to being a 15 year old; the insecure, self-conscious, petrified of failing 15 year old that I used to be. I guess once you spend so much time acting and reacting in a certain way in a certain situation, it becomes a habit and makes up your way of handling situations. Repeatedly going through the same emotions, anxieties and stress levels on the tennis court regardless of how I have grown and developed as an adult - crazy!
'Do as you have always done and get what you have always gotten' - seeing tennis as a direct reflection of my self-esteem and self-worth has lead to an anxious, nervous, stressful game of tennis everytime.
But, not anymore...tennis is now a game, a fun sport that I happen to be rather good at - how I play does not make me a better colleague, friend or partner and a big fat finger to anyone who tells me otherwise! :>)
Friday 11 September 2009
Ouch...
My neck hurts damn it! It is my own fault for not stretching and playing so many tennis matches - I actually played 10 matches in the last 9 days, more than I have played in the last few months, so something was going to give. Tennis has improved no end though!
Thank god I know a very nice osteopath, who was very happy to crack, click and crunch until I could turn my head again. I was beginning to look like a robot and as for putting a bra on, what a challenge (glad no one was around to witness that!)
I always stretch after running and cycling, but never after tennis as you often come off the court feeling like you haven't really done anything, although you have, there is just more standing around in between points and changing ends etc, so it feels like you haven't actually done anything when you have, makes sense?!?
Anyway, lesson learnt - must stretch after any form of physical activity from now on, including hoovering and dusting through fear of seizing up!!!
The one good thing to come out of this neck cracking experience is that I have found the wonders of codeine - oh yes, what an amazing drug. If I have to have a baby, I am definately asking for huge quantities of codeine - that stuff is incredible; one small tablet and five minutes later you feel no pain, at all. The only downside is that it is incredibly addictive (wonder why?), makes you drowsy and slightly spaced out (this particular effect probably makes me easier to live with, so bonus more than side affect!) and apparently it prevents you from going to the toilet for a few days - SHIT!! ;>)
Thank god I know a very nice osteopath, who was very happy to crack, click and crunch until I could turn my head again. I was beginning to look like a robot and as for putting a bra on, what a challenge (glad no one was around to witness that!)
I always stretch after running and cycling, but never after tennis as you often come off the court feeling like you haven't really done anything, although you have, there is just more standing around in between points and changing ends etc, so it feels like you haven't actually done anything when you have, makes sense?!?
Anyway, lesson learnt - must stretch after any form of physical activity from now on, including hoovering and dusting through fear of seizing up!!!
The one good thing to come out of this neck cracking experience is that I have found the wonders of codeine - oh yes, what an amazing drug. If I have to have a baby, I am definately asking for huge quantities of codeine - that stuff is incredible; one small tablet and five minutes later you feel no pain, at all. The only downside is that it is incredibly addictive (wonder why?), makes you drowsy and slightly spaced out (this particular effect probably makes me easier to live with, so bonus more than side affect!) and apparently it prevents you from going to the toilet for a few days - SHIT!! ;>)
Tuesday 8 September 2009
Attitude...
Well, it has been an extremely busy few days with work, rest and play! Three mid week tennis matches, cooked dinner for friends on Thursday, out for dinner Friday (too much red wine - well two glasses!), Herts League 'Championship decider' ladies doubles match on Saturday, followed by a team evening, Thorpe Park (theme park, but a heap of overrated crap if you have been to Disneyland) on Sunday and a manic day of meetings on Monday including a County Exec Meeting followed by a Council Meeting that went on until 9.30pm last night!
So, pretty wiped out and today has been an email frenzy - but would much rather have a heap of work than none at all, so can't complain.
The reason for this post, just the one on all the above, is attitude and motivation. It has struck me over the last week how different people are and what motivates them throughout life. I mean, I look at the people sat around the table last night for the Council Meeting - all of varying ages from 45 up to around 80, yes 80!
What motivates them to turn up once every 6 weeks? I started wondering what each individuals motivation for being there was; a genuine volunteer whose heart was in the right place, kudos of being a councillor, loneliness, nothing better to do, personal satisfaction? And then I wondered if I would ever be one of those people, on a committee, saying my bit, telling everyone how great it was in the good old days and generally causing grief for the young executives!
I do hope not, however I know I probably will and I will want to be the chairman! Not so I can boss everyone around (although that does appeal) but so I could have a go at all those who were there for the wrong reasons. I suppose I could do that now, but I have a mortgage to pay!
Just watching the people at Thorpe Park, you see the young - carefree, selfish, oblivious to everyone around them and then the old - tired, disolushioned, puzzled that they have been talked into coming to this shithole (and paying for it!) and there is nothing in between, just young and old!
The dining experience of Friday night - tapas and red wine, lovely, but after two glasses I was pretty tipsy and stopped drinking immediately - why? Because I knew I would have a headache the next day if I continued - when did I become so sensible and cautios?
When do we change? At what age do we morph into fossils and become so bitter? Why do we become so negative and hate everything about change and progression? I am motivated, yes, I am adaptable and welcome change, but there are signs that occasionally I am beginning to tut at the latest piece of technology, the lack of education in children's cartoons, the price of utility bills, it goes on...
So, it seems that we are all destined to become older and wiser but bitter and cynical with it - however, it would have been nice to get a letter or even an email just to let you know you had officially reached this stage!
So, pretty wiped out and today has been an email frenzy - but would much rather have a heap of work than none at all, so can't complain.
The reason for this post, just the one on all the above, is attitude and motivation. It has struck me over the last week how different people are and what motivates them throughout life. I mean, I look at the people sat around the table last night for the Council Meeting - all of varying ages from 45 up to around 80, yes 80!
What motivates them to turn up once every 6 weeks? I started wondering what each individuals motivation for being there was; a genuine volunteer whose heart was in the right place, kudos of being a councillor, loneliness, nothing better to do, personal satisfaction? And then I wondered if I would ever be one of those people, on a committee, saying my bit, telling everyone how great it was in the good old days and generally causing grief for the young executives!
I do hope not, however I know I probably will and I will want to be the chairman! Not so I can boss everyone around (although that does appeal) but so I could have a go at all those who were there for the wrong reasons. I suppose I could do that now, but I have a mortgage to pay!
Just watching the people at Thorpe Park, you see the young - carefree, selfish, oblivious to everyone around them and then the old - tired, disolushioned, puzzled that they have been talked into coming to this shithole (and paying for it!) and there is nothing in between, just young and old!
The dining experience of Friday night - tapas and red wine, lovely, but after two glasses I was pretty tipsy and stopped drinking immediately - why? Because I knew I would have a headache the next day if I continued - when did I become so sensible and cautios?
When do we change? At what age do we morph into fossils and become so bitter? Why do we become so negative and hate everything about change and progression? I am motivated, yes, I am adaptable and welcome change, but there are signs that occasionally I am beginning to tut at the latest piece of technology, the lack of education in children's cartoons, the price of utility bills, it goes on...
So, it seems that we are all destined to become older and wiser but bitter and cynical with it - however, it would have been nice to get a letter or even an email just to let you know you had officially reached this stage!
Wednesday 2 September 2009
Inner calm...
I think I have discovered what keeps me quiet, as in out of mishchief and prevents boredom kicking in when I have been forced to sit still for more than five minutes; reading and baking, yes baking!
I have just made a carrot cake and it looks and smells great, although I haven't done the taste test yet, so fingers crossed. Cheated on the icing and used good old Betty Crockers' Vanilla icing, which is quite frankly, the sickliest thing I have ever tasted, but looks good on the cake! I also made some goat's cheese and caramelised onions tarts for tomorrow night's little soiret, they also look pretty good (even if I say so myself, just like the picture in Delia's book).
So, a relaxing day off; ironing, food shopping (love going to Sainsbury's, spent nearly two hours wandering up and down the aisles - I prefer it to a night out these days and to be honest, with 24 hour shopping it's tempting!) baking carrot cake and tarts and now I may read, as I have sat here for nearly five minutes and can feel the boredom alarm bell starting to ring...
On the reading front, I caved after Mrs Dalloway and opted to read the crapy 'holiday' book - only because I am awaiting a biography on the great women herself before delving into another serious author. After reading a 'proper' book, I whipped through the holiday novel in no time at all and subsequently had to buy another one in Sainsbury's today...damn! ;>)
Charlie - do you think you could put the biodgraphy in the post? I am worried that once I return to the holiday novels, it will be a slippery slope and next thing you know I will be getting a daily delivery of The Sun!
So, the coffee machine is bubbling, time to go and make a double espresso and sample the carrot cake...mmmm :>)
I have just made a carrot cake and it looks and smells great, although I haven't done the taste test yet, so fingers crossed. Cheated on the icing and used good old Betty Crockers' Vanilla icing, which is quite frankly, the sickliest thing I have ever tasted, but looks good on the cake! I also made some goat's cheese and caramelised onions tarts for tomorrow night's little soiret, they also look pretty good (even if I say so myself, just like the picture in Delia's book).
So, a relaxing day off; ironing, food shopping (love going to Sainsbury's, spent nearly two hours wandering up and down the aisles - I prefer it to a night out these days and to be honest, with 24 hour shopping it's tempting!) baking carrot cake and tarts and now I may read, as I have sat here for nearly five minutes and can feel the boredom alarm bell starting to ring...
On the reading front, I caved after Mrs Dalloway and opted to read the crapy 'holiday' book - only because I am awaiting a biography on the great women herself before delving into another serious author. After reading a 'proper' book, I whipped through the holiday novel in no time at all and subsequently had to buy another one in Sainsbury's today...damn! ;>)
Charlie - do you think you could put the biodgraphy in the post? I am worried that once I return to the holiday novels, it will be a slippery slope and next thing you know I will be getting a daily delivery of The Sun!
So, the coffee machine is bubbling, time to go and make a double espresso and sample the carrot cake...mmmm :>)
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