Trusting yourself is not something I had really considered until the other day, when someone mentioned that they had finally started to trust themselves. I found this a novel statement, as what is there not to trust when it comes to making your own decisions; the answer on reflection is PLENTY!
A decision to do something is normally driven by an agenda; often selfish, usually from trouser level down and rarely selfless. I have always questioned why I want to do something and can normally reason with myself; work through the pros, the con's and gather enough feedback from the various voices in my head and anyone else around me that will listen, to justify my decision.
Now, whilst I know I am thinking things through in depth and working through the various options and outcomes, my decision is still heavily influenced by what I think is good for me, based on where I am at with myself; not good if you have a tendency to follow certain patterns of negative or self-destructive behaviour. OK, this is getting heavy and I am starting to wonder where I myself am going with this one, but bear with me...
So, in terms of trusting myself, I thought that was an easy question to answer, but it seems not. Given a track record of serial monogamy of sorts; the chasing and conquering of all that is emotionally unavailable (oddly comforting), I am now finally getting perspective and understanding my motives before taking action.
It is interesting when you start wondering about the day to day 'what ifs?'....what if the unattainable was suddenly available, what if the 'chased' turned round and starting running towards you (eek!), what if one day you woke up and decided to step out of the controlled 'what if' scenario and actually chose a path that was out of control but wholly available...mmmmm...
I am sure there will be more to report on this ground breaking discovery, but for now, far from competent in my new 'mind buggy' (the 'L' plates are still firmly on) I am putting in the miles and training hard for the theory test, so will be free for a road trip fairly soon!
'The thrill and excitement that comes not from arousing and being aroused, but from knowing and being known is all too rare.' - Robin Norwood
Saturday 14 August 2010
Thursday 5 August 2010
Fawlty Towers...
Well, I find myself in the unfortunate position of being without a home for the ninth week now! The builder is about to start the repair work on the now dry house, furniture is being ordered and clothes are being returned from the dry cleaners; it seems that the jigsaw pieces I thought were 'my life' are slowly slotting back together. Whilst it is nice to get all my 'stuff' back, I am finding it a little suffocating; I seem to be going through some sort of metamorphosis at the moment, as the control freak in me is freaking out about being back in control again!??!
I have thoroughly enjoyed the lack of responsibility these past couple of months; living out of a bag, a single bedroom to keep tidy, washing clothes on a need to wash basis, no ironing, checking in to and out of the 'hotel' as and when required!!! I know, I am scaring myself with my reaction to this laid back life of Riley! It has been an incredible experience, living with my friends and their children, not knowing what is happening from one day to the next, chaos in the morning, the dull calm after the school run and then more chaos in the evening, meals in, meals out, no meals, laptop, iPhone (plural!), TV, tears, laughter, toy cars, plastic soldiers (ouch when you stand on one of those in the morning!) music (loud in multiple rooms!)...just endless snippets of noise and indeed life!
And so, they have gone on holiday leaving me with just the woof - some peace and quiet it seems - don't like it! Nor does the dog, as I practically get licked to death on returning to the 'hotel' - it's all good though as we keep each other company and I am developing a bond with the furball; seems we both need attention...does that make me a similar mind set to a cocker spaniel?!?!? Never mind, all I know is that we shall be talking to one another until regular service is resumed in the madhouse!
As for moving back to my own house, I am currently thinking of ways to sabotage the builders efforts in getting things habitable once more; anything to buy me a few more weeks in the crazy, mad at times, hotel I am starting to call 'home'!
I have thoroughly enjoyed the lack of responsibility these past couple of months; living out of a bag, a single bedroom to keep tidy, washing clothes on a need to wash basis, no ironing, checking in to and out of the 'hotel' as and when required!!! I know, I am scaring myself with my reaction to this laid back life of Riley! It has been an incredible experience, living with my friends and their children, not knowing what is happening from one day to the next, chaos in the morning, the dull calm after the school run and then more chaos in the evening, meals in, meals out, no meals, laptop, iPhone (plural!), TV, tears, laughter, toy cars, plastic soldiers (ouch when you stand on one of those in the morning!) music (loud in multiple rooms!)...just endless snippets of noise and indeed life!
And so, they have gone on holiday leaving me with just the woof - some peace and quiet it seems - don't like it! Nor does the dog, as I practically get licked to death on returning to the 'hotel' - it's all good though as we keep each other company and I am developing a bond with the furball; seems we both need attention...does that make me a similar mind set to a cocker spaniel?!?!? Never mind, all I know is that we shall be talking to one another until regular service is resumed in the madhouse!
As for moving back to my own house, I am currently thinking of ways to sabotage the builders efforts in getting things habitable once more; anything to buy me a few more weeks in the crazy, mad at times, hotel I am starting to call 'home'!
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