Perception is everything...

All my life I have made decisions based on perception; totally natural, but not entirely bright! I read somewhere that a first impression is created in 7 seconds; enough time for me to find a sparkle (bit of a magpie) and enough time for other people to find, well, whatever I choose to show them!

Are we really conscious of what we portray and do we adapt depending upon the audience? I think we all take up a chameleon like state; some consciously, almost mastering this skill as a way of capitalising on every new introduction, others oblivious, taking on the persona of whatever mood takes them. I have always been envious of the latter, as it must be wonderful to be who you really are, regardless of what company you are in!

That said, I think I am turning into one of these people, as the more comfortable I become in my own skin, the less I seem to care about what others think and the less people I seem to like...is that bad?!?! I really have gone through a phase of caring less about the masses and more about the selected few; it's great and whilst I feel a tiny pang of guilt when I can't be arsed with the small talk, it is so refreshing to just be.

It's funny how being polite and behaving in an appropriate manner are core values instilled in you as a child, yet as you grow up, you start worrying less about what people think and are actually much happier just being yourself...so as adults who are happier being themselves, why do we tell children to do the very opposite?!?!

'A picture is the expression of an impression. If the beautiful were not in us, how would we ever recognize it?' - Ernst Haas

...always the last one picked!

Today, I was sitting in a room filled with complete sporting rejects for over three hours. Now that sounds incredibly harsh and perhaps reject is the wrong word, but to be fair...

I guess it would be a bearable scenario, but given we were discussing the content for a funding bid to deliver doorstep sport across 20 London Boroughs, I did begin to wonder! I tried to convince myself that everyone there had their heart in the right place, but to be honest, every single person was justifying their own involvement in the project to ensure they would benefit from any funding generated and continue to do nothing worthwhile (otherwise known as writing strategy)! The more one person said they could input to the 'fabric' of the application, the more others offered - it was hilarious watching a bunch of people try and make bold and meaningful statements in waffle warfare; 'in essence we must look for sustainable models', 'upscale and build in potential capacity', 'replicate not duplicate' to name a few!

There was a number cruncher with his bug eye glasses, nervy speech and sports branded file (about the only sporty thing about him to be fair, so clearly not a particularly gifted cricketer), then there was a beanpole who looked like he had been around forever, a real Dumbledoor who knew best and had clearly been so successful with his knowledge that he had remained in the same job for decades! Then we had the token fat bloke, a dead ringer for James Cordon in fact - how annoying was this guy, late sitting down as he was gorging on biscuits, going to the toilet at inappropriate moments which then meant everyone had to get up to let him pass when he returned, ugh!

Following on from fat boy, we had the token 'right on' woman; almost likable but then she opened her mouth - literally spewing 'keynote phrases', acronyms and throwing spanners into the already rattling works! We had thin, fat, old, young, smart, dumb, bald, frizzy, intense, horizontal, square glasses, pointy shoes, heels, leather briefcases, designer stubble, you name it, we had it - in one room! It felt like I was in a real life version of the board game 'Guess Who?' and as the morning went on, I found myself flicking them down one by one.

The topic and purpose of the meeting was to bring various 'target audiences' together to 'broker' partnerships and better 'engage' to assist one another in achieving our desired 'agendas' in terms of 'participation targets' and 'legacy'....basically, a shit load of people all being paid to figure out how they can get hold of money to pay for some other poor bugger to deliver doorstop sport in really shitty areas (sorry areas of deprivation)!

So, looking around the room there appeared to be four people who looked like they were capable of playing sport without having a heart attack or breaking a nail, the rest were clueless, but could spout some very interesting one liners about inclusivity, building capacity, employment potential, reduction stats for ASB, blah, blah, blah...

Anyway, back to my point...the room was filled with sporting rejects, excluding the four that remained standing in my game of 'Guess Who?'as these turned out to be existing deliverers of doorstep sport in deprived areas, with scars to prove it (no joke!) The rest, for one reason or another had fallen into these roles which gave them a sense of power and importance - I guess being the last to be picked for the team at school really affects some people!

Perhaps I am being super cynical, but you have to question the 'chiefs' that get paid to decide what the 'Indians' do; especially when the 'chiefs' could barely organise lunch never mind teach basketball to a bunch of knife wielding, social misfits in a car park on a dodgy estate! So, for those that are good at sport, make sure you spend a bit of time learning how to read, spell, oh and write policy and strategy too, as one day you may end up justifying yourself to a sporting reject who can't catch!

Eros and agape...

Trusting yourself is not something I had really considered until the other day, when someone mentioned that they had finally started to trust themselves. I found this a novel statement, as what is there not to trust when it comes to making your own decisions; the answer on reflection is PLENTY!

A decision to do something is normally driven by an agenda; often selfish, usually from trouser level down and rarely selfless. I have always questioned why I want to do something and can normally reason with myself; work through the pros, the con's and gather enough feedback from the various voices in my head and anyone else around me that will listen, to justify my decision.

Now, whilst I know I am thinking things through in depth and working through the various options and outcomes, my decision is still heavily influenced by what I think is good for me, based on where I am at with myself; not good if you have a tendency to follow certain patterns of negative or self-destructive behaviour. OK, this is getting heavy and I am starting to wonder where I myself am going with this one, but bear with me...

So, in terms of trusting myself, I thought that was an easy question to answer, but it seems not. Given a track record of serial monogamy of sorts; the chasing and conquering of all that is emotionally unavailable (oddly comforting), I am now finally getting perspective and understanding my motives before taking action.

It is interesting when you start wondering about the day to day 'what ifs?'....what if the unattainable was suddenly available, what if the 'chased' turned round and starting running towards you (eek!), what if one day you woke up and decided to step out of the controlled 'what if' scenario and actually chose a path that was out of control but wholly available...mmmmm...

I am sure there will be more to report on this ground breaking discovery, but for now, far from competent in my new 'mind buggy' (the 'L' plates are still firmly on) I am putting in the miles and training hard for the theory test, so will be free for a road trip fairly soon!

'The thrill and excitement that comes not from arousing and being aroused, but from knowing and being known is all too rare.' - Robin Norwood

Fawlty Towers...

Well, I find myself in the unfortunate position of being without a home for the ninth week now! The builder is about to start the repair work on the now dry house, furniture is being ordered and clothes are being returned from the dry cleaners; it seems that the jigsaw pieces I thought were 'my life' are slowly slotting back together. Whilst it is nice to get all my 'stuff' back, I am finding it a little suffocating; I seem to be going through some sort of metamorphosis at the moment, as the control freak in me is freaking out about being back in control again!??!

I have thoroughly enjoyed the lack of responsibility these past couple of months; living out of a bag, a single bedroom to keep tidy, washing clothes on a need to wash basis, no ironing, checking in to and out of the 'hotel' as and when required!!! I know, I am scaring myself with my reaction to this laid back life of Riley! It has been an incredible experience, living with my friends and their children, not knowing what is happening from one day to the next, chaos in the morning, the dull calm after the school run and then more chaos in the evening, meals in, meals out, no meals, laptop, iPhone (plural!), TV, tears, laughter, toy cars, plastic soldiers (ouch when you stand on one of those in the morning!) music (loud in multiple rooms!)...just endless snippets of noise and indeed life!

And so, they have gone on holiday leaving me with just the woof - some peace and quiet it seems - don't like it! Nor does the dog, as I practically get licked to death on returning to the 'hotel' - it's all good though as we keep each other company and I am developing a bond with the furball; seems we both need attention...does that make me a similar mind set to a cocker spaniel?!?!? Never mind, all I know is that we shall be talking to one another until regular service is resumed in the madhouse!

As for moving back to my own house, I am currently thinking of ways to sabotage the builders efforts in getting things habitable once more; anything to buy me a few more weeks in the crazy, mad at times, hotel I am starting to call 'home'!

Play it again, Sam...

Music really is something else, isn't it? Music moves you, literally, makes an impact and can create a feeling or emotion with just a few chords; from the mental guitar rift of 'Creep' to the crafted intro of 'Stolen Car'. I can never understand people who have no interest in music, as surely it has formed an intrinsic part of who you are; growing up with what your parents listened to, plus the influences of people and places.

A song can touch your spirit and tug at your heart; every song represents a moment in time, a feeling, a person, a place, a kiss, a laugh, a right, a wrong, just about everything in life is documented by a song, well in my life anyway. I love the fact that you can hear a song and a whole history can be activated both in memory and emotionally. There are still songs that cause a sting in my heart and some that make me dance like a nutter!

I just wish that I had every song in the world on my ipod, as everyday I discover new stuff and feel like I have been missing out. If I had my way, the whole world would have a permanent stream of music playing; in shops, in the streets, at work. Music and singing along to music makes people happy and in some cases brings them to life; more music, happier times. Regardless of the emotional journey of songs, some good, some bad and some damn right ugly, I could not imagine a life without it!

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. ~Berthold Auerbach

Sold out...

I have never been bothered by age; just a number, you are as old as you feel, you are as old as the woman you feel, apparently (which right now makes me the same age, as I am single!)

But for some reason, I woke up today and realised that I was in fact a 'thirtysomething'. I remember watching the American show 'thirtysomething' when I was little thinking, damn those people are old! They had relationship issues, discussed children, growing up, responsibilities...all sorts of stuff that I am now supposed to be doing. I have the house sorted and the career is well on its way, but the relationship and children bit is by no means taken care of?!?!

The most frustrating thing is knowing what you want and not being able to have it. It was hard enough acknowledging that it is fine to finally commit to something; one person, a home, a double garage, a family, cars with private plates, school runs, dinner parties, after school activities, school fees, Mark Warner holidays and all the other stuff you associate with being a fully fledged adult...given I had spent an eternity being anti-commitment, but then for it to be wasted, well that is a bitter pill to swallow.

I can only compare it to finally deciding on what you would like to order from the menu only to discover that they have sold out - a poor comparison I know, but it relates more to the what next?

Do you decide to eat something else knowing the whole time you will be fantasising over what could have been sat on your plate, comparing the two, being disappointed by the lack of flavour? Or is it simply a case of going hungry and living with the knowledge that you have remained true to yourself? This is the junction I have reached and the question is, how do you deal with this menu selection; eat and be disappointed, starve or dine elsewhere from an entirely different menu?

'Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love' - Charlie Brown

Curtain twitchers...

There has been so many blog opportunities of late, but no time in which to get it all down! I guess the problem is that you have this constant stream of thought, prompted by your ever changing surroundings; sometimes you are in a position to log on and jot it down, other times you are busy and by the time you think of it again the moment has passed and something else comes along. It always seems to be the everyday things that prompt a response on some deeper level; ultimately, whatever it is that sparks a thought is often so random, I am often startled by where my thought chain starts and ends.

The other day, as I was driving home through the 'burbs', no less than four people with a dog were happily exercising their little fur balls, four people...there were also five children playing street cricket, two people washing their car, a lady gardening, a window cleaner up a ladder and a tree surgeon working on an overgrown birch...oh, did I mention the partridge in a pear tree!

All of this activity in one street, not my street, a friend's who I am staying with whilst my flooded house is repaired. I am officially living in suburbia...which got me thinking - in some ways it was nice to see so many people, all of whom would know one another and look out for one another etc, but in another way I felt like an intruder, as there was no acknowledgement for me, just a few stares, blanks and the odd twitching curtain!

This incident happened a couple of weeks back and since then, given all of the dog walkers, gardeners, window cleaners, small children and curtain twitchers would have seen me drive home every day, it appears that I have been accepted into the suburban fold. I now receive the occasional nod, afternoon and sometimes a cheeky smile or wave from one of the street urchins!

So, now I have 'made it' what does this mean - does it bring new responsibilities; am I on neighbourhood watch, should I tell someone if they have left their washing out in the rain, is the bouncy castle now a communal toy for all street children not just the ones that live in my house?? Is there a suburban code of conduct?

I am not too sure, but there is a little part of me that likes being accepted into the group. Interesting for me, as when I initially noticed how everyone behaved I was defensive and a little agitated by the cliques - now I am a 'member' the irritation has been replaced with more of a protective kind of feeling and so I can understand why I initially got the cold shoulder from those simply protecting the 'club'.

Anyhow, the point of this was merely to say that whilst we appear more independent and less community orientated, I believe that not to be the case. It seems to me that we still desire that sense of community, but the bonds we form and the structures that mould our mini worlds are less traditional. It used to be family, regardless of interest, status or ability to get on and now it is all about core beliefs, convenience and lifestyle. In a way, we are chameleons who blend in and out of our environment as and when it suits and then shed skin and move on when we have had enough!

Disaster, well, of sorts...

Discovering that your new house has been seriously flooded whilst you were away is not the greatest of news, but then on actually seeing the damage and realising that you are homeless for the short-term and in for weeks of mess is much worse.

My new home; full of stuff, my stuff...trashed. Carpet and bed propped up against the outside wall, damp floors and watermarks on most of the walls and ceilings...a mess! The upside is that all photographs and my prints were saved, along with my little red box of memories.

Now that it is sinking in, I have realised a couple of things. Firstly, my friends are just the best; offers of help, places to stay, legal advice...just awesome and as a result I am now residing in Mariano Manor, with gin on tap and a 24hour all you can eat buffet!

Secondly, I realised that stuff really is just 'stuff'; it can be replaced very easily - confirming my theory that to an extent, what you own ends up owning you; however, memories, experiences, relationships and friendships are the most valuable and irreplaceable items, so easily forgotten in our materialistic existence.

So, this weekend I discover that a glitch in the matrix (and in the grand scheme of things, mine is a piddly little glitch!) is sometimes just what you need to make you realise what matters in life; you can never indulge in the highs if you have never felt the depths of the lows.

'Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.' - Quentin Crisp

3D...

Life is an ever changing state in my mind; sometimes the days are flat and featureless, other times, days, even moments seem alive. Something lights up inside of you to reveal life in technicolour; people, places, a song, a sensation, a smell, a view, a conversation...it can be everything and nothing, but it is real and causes a spark that surges through the very soul of your physical being.

I live for these moments and however few and far between, it is worth putting up with the daily drudgery and hang on in there for these magical nuggets.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the day to day routine of life that I wonder what it is all about; then, when I least expect it, I have a 3D moment and I realise what it's all about; feeling alive, energy, passion, chemistry, spark, laughter, living in that moment for the briefest of seconds and holding on for as long as you can before it fades out and lands you straight back into reality.

So, I write this blog as I swiftly fall from grace; the moment is fading, but it has given me hope of brighter things that lie ahead and hope is a one powerful thing! As a wise, old, bald man once said to me in his infinite wisdom...

'Keep the beast to the East and your eyes on the prize!'

Simple things...

A weekend of sunshine; serious, 84 degree sunshine, with not a cloud in the sky or a breeze in the air. It was a weekend without structure, one of few as most seem to include cramming in a whole host of arrangements, plans, sports, socials and the like. But this weekend was random, unplanned and what a joy it was to indulge in such freedom; slowing down and allowing time to consider the greater picture of life and what is important.

So what does matter...status, money, potential? When the sun shines and the sky is blue, all that seems to matter is enjoying the simple things; the warmth of the sun on your face, the smell of freshly cut grass, the sound of children playing, the soothing rhythm of a train ride, ice cold gin and tonic with zesty lemon, a beautiful sunset...simple, very simple, but things we all enjoy. So, why don't more of us live the dream, give up the career, the house, the material, for a life of simplicity?

Well, I am starting to question this now and have been considering the concept all weekend, but like everyone else, Monday morning approaches, which means back to reality and back the daily grind of status, money, potential. Shame...as are we all that scared of letting go of what we perceive as important or has it gotten to the stage of what we own and desire ends up owning and consuming us? I guess it needn't be a choice, perhaps we can have it all; the career, the house, the material and still enjoy and share the simple things.

If it is one thing I have figured out this sunny weekend, it is that I need both; ongoing challenge and stimulation combined with zesty lemons, gin and sunsets!

'One's real life is often the life that one does not lead.'- Oscar Wilde

Decisions...

Well, life certainly does throw a lot of 'stuff' into the mix. So much to consider on a daily basis; decisions that affect people and places at work and at home. Each decision takes us down a slightly different path, until we make a another decision and then we meet the crossroads again and so on and so forth.

The last year has been full of 'crossroad' moments in all aspects of life; work, rest and play. I often find myself running through each scenario, wondering how I got there and where to go, only to find that after hours of debate (with friends and the voices in my own head!), that it is not so much about the decision you make, but more about accepting each decision.

We cannot control a situation, as whilst we make a decision about which direction we go in, so is everyone else for completely different reasons! I guess it is about staying true to yourself and ensuring that when you do reach the crossroads or a defining moment, that you define that moment and do not let that moment define you.

'A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken a new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided.' - Tony Robbins

New life...

Procreation...not something in the forefront of my mind, but certainly a rising agenda item given the number of weddings I now attend and small children I seem to be responsible for; god help them!

My two day old god child was plonked in my arms yesterday and much to my surprise, it actually felt somewhat natural to hold him. The last two occasions this happened; my nephews, was a little odd - I felt really stiff and whilst I wanted to go with it, I sensed that I was resisting the urge to be natural given everyone's opinion of me being the least likely person to be natural with a baby - oh the thought behind everything!

So, there I was happily enjoying the whole thing; looking at this amazing little life form and watching him as he looked at me wondering what on earth he was doing in my arms. He opened his eyes a few times, eyed me up and down, yawned, gurgled a little and then settled back to sleep again; quite incredible.

Both parents were beaming and the room felt so full of love; there was no space for even a moment of sadness or darkness. New life really is an amazing thing, creating another one of those happenings that you cannot see or touch, but something that has such presence, it feels like a blanket has been wrapped around you.

'Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.'

Journey...

What is the journey of life about; learning, experiencing, understanding yourself or simply growing into your own self. The latter for me it seems, as I finally feel comfortable in my own skin - the first thirty years have been a struggle to fit in, do the right thing, feel the right thing, say the right thing.

I always feel as though I have been who I am now, but trapped in my youth, which sounds strange I know....but I wonder if other people feel this way? Perhaps everyone hits a stage where they feel most content in themselves and then associates this with an age or period in their life or maybe people embrace the ever changing age and stage and think nothing of it?!

Either way, I am questioning the purpose of the journey daily; where I have come from and where I am going. Just when you feel sure about what you want from the future, the dynamic of a relationship or situation changes and then your plans and dreams are thrown into the wind; swirled about and scattered liberally!

Ultimately, living for the day seems to be the most painless option, as no plan means no disappointment. I am not convinced that living a dream free life is one I am able to indulge in, but sometimes I can see the appeal.

'With the moon I run, far from the carnage of the firey sun, driven by the strangle of veins showing me no mercy, I'd do it again.'

Resolution...

Resolution takes time, patience and acceptance of actions and emotions out of our control. Time can be days, weeks, months and sometimes years; even then, there is no guarantee of an agreeable outcome. Emotions often blind our ability to see a situation for what it is; hope can also stunt our ability to move forwards.

I find it fascinating that emotions, these things you cannot see or touch create such a physical reaction and cause such physical responses. It seems that life is a cycle of emotions; an eternal rollercoaster with no stops, just highs and lows and twists and turns and the occaisional 'jerk' which sometimes acts as a wake up call, a moment of realisation, slots a piece in the puzzle; then the rollercoaster starts all over again. On experiencing a 'jerk', do we act upon the moment and resolve the related issue or acknowledge the reminder and keep it alive but buried.

As I get older, I have started to filter through the people in my life and work out what matters; who and why. The number of people that matter reduces, our investment is greater and more focussed and the emotions involved are stronger and deeper - as a result, the need for answers, pieces of the puzzle and therefore resolution is amplified.

Life is lived forwards, but best understood backwards - where timing of the ride seems to be the cause of most joy and most pain.

Mood...

It is funny how sometimes the same situations create a variety of energies - as in, sometimes the dynamic works and other times it feels strained. I am not sure if mood, physical well being, what side of the bed you wake up on in the morning or what?! determines the vibe you let off, but it certainly changes often.

Timing is the key it seems; if words, moments, plans and goals are out of sync then it is hard to make good of even the best combination of circumstances. Perhaps it is just me that circles and circles until there is resolution. I doubt that, but wish I knew how to handle it better, be more absorbed in other things, thoughts, activities; more selfish I guess.

'You can sleep forever, but still you will be tired; you can stay as cold as stone but still you won't find peace...if the sun or the moon would give way to doubt,
they would immediately go out.'

Getting it together...

Well, a lot of reflecting has been occurring for one reason or another - speaking with other people who seem in crisis makes you fully appreciate where you are at with your own emotional state.

I mean, everyone has battles, internal struggles, issues, baggage etc, but it is how we choose to deal with them that matters; sometimes you take the easy option and box it up only for it to rear its head another time, sometimes you take the painful route and deal with it head on. The latter and more long-term approach seems to be the most worthwhile and one I will choose to take and recommend from now on.

Anyhow, this is not supposed to be doom and gloom, more so a few lines about how we evolve and change in our attitudes towards difficult issues; being calm and accepting life and the mix it brings, learning from every scenario and getting perspective on the bigger picture.

Back on it...

It's been a while, but I am back. A lot has gone on over the past three months; moved house, got a new job and started a career in counselling!

So...change is always a scary thing at first; unknown territory, new landscape, different people, sink or swim moments that make you wonder why the hell you rocked the status quo! But then, time passes, the newness fades and before you know it you have returned to the mundane, only more informed, emotionally savvy and slightly older!

We go through life always looking forwards, but never take much time reflecting upon what we have already achieved - sometimes major landmarks other times a little personal growth, either way something I will do much more of in future.

I think my blog helped me over the course of last year, geting it all down and out of your system can only be good. Why is that writing down what you feel, even if you never choose to do anything with it, makes you feel better?